Book Review: Doing Life with Your Adult Children - Keep Your Mouth Shut & the Welcome Mat Out by Jim Burns.
If you thought the teenage years were tough, parenting emerging adults is tricky. None of the tools that were available to you when your children were at home are effective now that they have the ability to leave. Parenting adult children requires a whole new basis for the relationship and method of engagement. In some cases, your children are expressing their new independence in ways that are disappointing. In other cases, your children are not moving into independence as quickly or thoroughly as you would like. Perhaps one child fits in both categories!
In this book, Jim Burns gives practical advice for navigating these difficult waters. The title of the book is, in many ways, a great summary of our new role—and that is where the author starts. We are encouraged to recognize that, although the goal of our parenting—to raise godly children—has not changed, our ‘job description” has changed dramatically. Burns offers specific instruction on how to maintain access to the heart of your adult child so that you will maintain influence through a loving relationship.
Burns offers hope for parents whose children have not taken responsibility for their lives, continue to depend on their parents, or fail to reflect the parents’ values. Sociologist and Developmental Psychologists have begun to identify and define a new stage in the progression from teenager to fully independent adult as “emerging adulthood.” Many define this as the stage between 18 and 25 years old. During this stage, children are still learning the life skills for independent living, exploring their own purpose and direction, and making choices about their identity. As their parents, we want to move them through this quickly. Our tendency is to react with a mix of emotionally charged responses: control, guilt, directives, enabling, sheltering, ultimatums, etc. Burns provides perspective and practical steps for guiding our children through this phase.
Importantly, Burns points us to a future day when our family expands to include our children’s spouses (and their parents) and grandchildren. On this point, Burns encourages us to ask this question before speaking to family concerns: “Will what I am about to say or do improve the relationship?” He then offers 5 tips to navigate the in-law relationship. Burns also reminds us that the role of a grandparent is vastly different than of a parent, and to respect the boundary.
In the Afterword, Burns makes several observations and suggestions that dovetail with the PhaseNEXT approach:
Develop a well-thought-out plan
Parent in a community, not on an island
Practice the principles of the book, but realize that life is messy
Trust that God is on your side.