Story: Things We’ve Learned By Experience With Our Parents (Henry & Celia D.)
Over the last 34 years, Celia and I have had the blessed, but difficult, experience of caring for aging and dying parents. Here are some things we learned that we hope will make your journey a blessing for you and your family.
Over the last 34 years, Celia and I have had the blessed, but difficult, experience of caring for aging and dying parents. Here are some things we learned that we hope will make your journey a blessing for you and your family.
1. Caring for the elderly requires a sense of humor.
As memory and cognitive ability begin to fade, funny things happen. Like the time Mom yelled out “Help!!” while lying on a stretcher in her cubicle in the Emergency Room. I had stepped outside the curtain for a moment, and she cried out. It was just an interesting moment, as Mom didn’t really need anything, and the ER staff were providing the appropriate amount of care for her. She told me she just didn’t want to be alone. You can’t dream up this kind of thing!
As memory fades, they may lose track of the passage of time. I recall Mom telling me with great excitement about a movie she had just seen. When I asked her the name of the movie, she said she had no idea!
Learn to laugh on these occasions. Bring joy and understanding to your parent as they relive important experiences from the past or create new ones. These stories will also be repeated, and if you didn’t pay attention to the stories the first time, you’ll probably get to hear them many times again.
2. Take a little extra time to talk.
Our elderly parents need to feel valued. Sometimes that simply requires taking the time to listen or ask questions. One time, a dear lady in a retirement home was distraught because she had lost something important to her. She asked me to sit down and listen to her. It seemed that she really wasn’t interested in searching for the item, but just wanted me to listen to her. After a few minutes of talking, she was satisfied, thanked me, and walked away.
Ask questions to see how they are doing. Ask about how they are spending their time, what they like to do, what colors they enjoy, what books they like, what they like to eat, what music they like to listen to and who their friends are. Questions like these demonstrate interest and help our aging parents feel heard and that we care for them.
Here are some things Celia and I found especially helpful with our parents:
• A regular lunch date with my Dad and coffee date with my father-in-law; the same for Celia and me with our mothers
• Celebrating special events with our parents, always trying to include as many grandchildren as possible.
• Taking them to see beautiful spots, like driving Celia’s mom to the top of Paris Mountain here in the Greenville area or taking our parents to the beach.
• Lunch trips to a drive-through with mom and eating in the car; She looked with wonder at a gorgeous tree outside the Chick-Fil-A and commented on how beautiful it was.
• Provide experiences like baseball games, movies, concerts; the last time I took our father-in-law to a movie, he fell asleep several times and I nudged him awake each time. Remember to laugh!!
• Review their personal Bibles and talk about their notes and highlighted passages. I still use my Dad’s Bible each time I perform a wedding.
• Read their personal journals to them.
• Help them record their family stories with photo albums or recorded interviews and take time to look at them and hear them.
• Talk about the things they want to discuss, especially their memories.
3. Help parents make good choices about living facilities.
Having an initial conversation about moving into a more supportive environment can be difficult for you and your parents. When you do, take the time to evaluate all of the options that might be available based on their financial situation, their personal preferences, and the ability of family and friends to assist with needs. Be sure to engage with your parents’ financial professionals to request their advice and assistance in the decision-making process.
When looking at specific facilities, it’s important to personally visit the facility. We encourage you to tour the living accommodations, dining room, grounds, and community amenities. Talk with the staff and family members of other residents to ensure that there is good alignment with your and your parents’ values and expectations. Be patient during this process, as parents will probably not follow our own internal timeline.
As the time to move out of the family home approaches, allow enough time and include other family members. We found it very helpful to start the process of reducing their home’s contents well before the actual move-out date. As it’s possible, we encourage you to engage your siblings in deciding where various items go. This can be an emotional process for everyone, but the distribution of as many of the contents as possible is a definite gift for the children of aging parents.
4. Toward the end of life, your presence is important.
The window of time at the end-of-life can be emotionally challenging, leading some to stay away from parents as they decline. But your physical presence at this stage is critical. From a practical standpoint, you will need to be able to interact with the health-care providers, as well as knowing your parents’ schedules and talking to them personally about what is going on. When you are not able to be there, it is good to arrange for other friends or family members to visit and engage with your parents.
There are several things you can do to be a blessing to your dying parents and the rest of the family. Reading Scripture, praying and singing favorite hymns is always a blessing. Tell stories with pictures and momentos from their past and encourage others who may also be hurting to participate in this process.
We found these to be helpful strategies for honoring our aging parents. But this also requires personal changes ourselves. Here are some tips we learned along the way:
1) Patience, patience, patience – Everything at this stage takes longer and involves more adjustments than when our parents were in their prime, so please don’t be in a hurry.
2) Humility and grace – Remember that this is not easy for your parents either. They are struggling with the loss of health and independence. Our sweet spirits, personalities, imaginations, and senses of humor can really help and will ease the pain of these transitions.
3) Personal sacrifice – We must consider parents before ourselves, which will require the loss of time and is often draining. We may have to reduce our budget; change our schedule; and alter our social life for this important season. Being adaptable is critical!
Celia and I have been blessed to care for our aging parents. Although we have experienced the loss of their presence, we are sustained by the legacy they have given us. Looking back over these years brings joy to our hearts and lots of smiles, funny experiences recalled, and great memories. These suggestions have freed us from regrets about the way we treated our parents at the end of their lives; we also pray that the way we loved our parents will be a helpful standard for our children and grandchildren and others as well.
Story: Do It Now: Have "The Talk" With Your Parents (Brent B.)
Over the last year, Leigh and I experienced first-hand the value of taking the uncomfortable step of having “the talk” with my parents. My mother, who had a number of health issues herself, was essentially a caregiver for my father, who had Alzheimer’s disease. Due to the toll this was taking on her, it was clear my mother needed some encouragement and assistance in updating their wills and health care directives. She also needed to institute some powers of attorney for my brother and me in the event she predeceased my father. The idea of directly discussing these issues with my mother was a challenge, because neither my brother nor I had any history of open dialogue regarding my parents’ “business.” PhaseNEXT came at a critical time in this particular stage of our family’s story and relationships.
Over the last year, Leigh and I experienced first-hand the value of taking the uncomfortable step of having “the talk” with my parents. My mother, who had a number of health issues herself, was essentially a caregiver for my father, who had Alzheimer’s disease. Due to the toll this was taking on her, it was clear my mother needed some encouragement and assistance in updating their wills and health care directives. She also needed to institute some powers of attorney for my brother and me in the event she predeceased my father. The idea of directly discussing these issues with my mother was a challenge, because neither my brother nor I had any history of open dialogue regarding my parents’ “business.” PhaseNEXT came at a critical time in this particular stage of our family’s story and relationships.
Most every adult at some point in their lives will go through the unique issues surrounding an aging parent and preparing for their end-of-life issues. Yet, we do not receive any training or instruction on how to assist our aging parents, with what can be very sensitive topics. The PhaseNEXT program not only gave my wife and me the courage to address these issues my mother, but it also provided a framework on what our roles could be and what issues in general to cover. Rett and Nancy were also very helpful in sharing their own experiences in addressing these issues with their parents.
Armed with this encouragement and knowledge, I was able to move forward with approaching my mother about these issues. My wife and I were even able to assist her in a helpful manner, but in a way that was still honoring to my parents, as we are taught to do in God’s Word. As a result, my mother with our assistance was able to proceed with updating their financial records and life directives, which would not only bring her peace, but allow my brother and I to step in to provide for my father’s care seamlessly should the need ever arise. As it so turned out, my mother recently passed away from her own health issues. Despite our sorrow at her passing, it was made a lot easier to transition into the role of taking care of my father and making sure we have the ability to provide for his care needs into the future.
Blog Post: Sibling Dynamics in Caregiving
I received that text from my sister this week. It came with a message letting me know that our dad is scheduled for an MRI tomorrow, after receiving a lower than expected score on a memory test. This news comes in the context of losing our mom just a little more than a year and a half ago, with Alzheimer’s.
“I just want to say how blessed I feel that you and I are mostly in agreement about our parents’ care.”
I received that text from my sister this week. It came with a message letting me know that our dad is scheduled for an MRI tomorrow, after receiving a lower than expected score on a memory test. This news comes in the context of losing our mom just a little more than a year and a half ago, with Alzheimer’s.
Thinking back on that difficult journey, I realize that our cooperation at that time was facilitated largely by several things: our father serving as Mom’s day-to-day caregiver, us living nearly equidistant away from them, and both of us having deferential personalities. Thankfully, the harmony we experienced during our mother’s illness occurred almost naturally.
But this time is different. Our dad is alone; he does not have a spouse to observe and assist him. He relies more heavily on my sister for help, and seems to be more comfortable communicating with her about his needs. And at this time in my life, I now have a full-time job, a significantly down-sized home, and an engaged son preparing for an upcoming wedding.
So as we stand on the threshold of another caregiving season, I recognize that different decisions will need to be made. When we need to move our father out of his home, he will need to live with (or nearby) one of us. While my sister and I are each willing to become the primary caregiver, circumstances indicate that she will most likely take on that role. And our caregiving responsibilities for him will no longer remain relatively equal where we take turns visiting, attending doctor’s appointments, and stocking the freezer with ready-to-eat meals; she will carry the lion’s share. The diagnosis and disease progression may be similar, but this journey will follow its own path.
There are many reasons one sibling becomes the primary caregiver. Factors of geographical proximity, relationship with the parent, skills and abilities, career flexibility, family status, dynamics with in-laws, and housing layout, among others, all play a part. But there are things each sibling can do to help pursue peaceful cooperation. My responsibility this time will include supporting and encouraging my sister as we care for our dad in different ways.
If your sibling is the Primary Caregiver…
Recognize it’s not about you.
Don’t overanalyze why your sibling is the primary caregiver instead of you. The reasons don’t really matter, and the real question is how will you respond?Express appreciation.
Acknowledge the imbalance and do not take your sibling for granted. Show gratitude. Say the words. Repeatedly. Don’t assume they know.Provide relief.
Schedule time where you will handle all caregiving responsibilities to allow your sibling an uninterrupted vacation or weekend away. If possible, bring your parent to your house to give your sibling a break.Speak graciously.
Rethink and rephrase your input and suggestions so that they will not be received as criticism or second-guessing.Be encouraging.
Remember that your sibling is not an expert any more than you are, and is doing the best they know how under very stressful and emotional circumstances.
If you are the Primary Caregiver…
Collaborate on decisions.
Talk to your siblings about care change decisions. You probably know best what might work or not, but your siblings are also emotionally interested in the outcome. They should have an opportunity to voice their opinion.Appreciate the gift of providing care.
Remember that even though you carry the higher level of caregiving stress, you are also privileged to spend more time with your aging parent. You will always be able to treasure those memories with your loved one.Keep everyone informed.
Create a shared note on your phone where you and your siblings can track milestone events and medical condition updates together.Be gracious and respectful.
Remember that despite how it may seem at times, your siblings probably wish they could be more involved. Be aware that subtle “digs” or comments made “in jest” can be deeply hurtful to your siblings.Ask for help.
Guard against feelings of resentment, but if you feel it rising, don’t play the martyr. Speak up and ask specifically for what you need from your siblings.
Managing sibling relationships while caring for aging parents can be tricky. This is why my sister’s text this week meant so much to me. And if she becomes the primary caregiver for our father, it is my prayer that I will support and encourage her well, relieve her when I can, and show my gratitude for her commitment to our dad.
Blog Post: Honoring Aging Parents
In these weeks between Mother’s Day and Father’s Day, it's a good time think about how we truly honor our parents during PhaseNEXT. At this stage of our life, breakfast in bed and colorful neckties just don’t seem appropriate.
Honoring our parents during our midlife is vastly different than when we were kids. On the one hand, we have many more years of relationship that may have made things—well—complicated. On the other, we are also parents of adult children and have a whole new perspective on the challenges and sacrifices our parents faced.
In these weeks between Mother’s Day and Father’s Day, it's a good time think about how we truly honor our parents during PhaseNEXT. At this stage of our life, breakfast in bed and colorful neckties just don’t seem appropriate.
Honoring our parents during our midlife is vastly different than when we were kids. On the one hand, we have many more years of relationship that may have made things—well—complicated. On the other, we are also parents of adult children and have a whole new perspective on the challenges and sacrifices our parents faced.
The Bible admonishes us repeatedly to honor our parents. This is different than obeying them. This command is described as the first “with a promise.” We would do well to consider why the Bible makes this a matter of such importance and commit to this principle throughout our lives.
If we are blessed by parents who are still living and able to engage with us, honoring them requires us to consider what will truly bless them as they confront their own mortality and the hand-off of their role as “head of family.” Have you spent time deeply considering how the aging process has affected them? How do they feel about the changes in the parent-child relationship as they become more dependent? What can you do to affirm them, to give them assurance that they have lived well?
Occasionally make a point to tell them what you admire about them.
Share photos and memorabilia from your childhood that remind them of your journey together.
Help them accomplish a goal that they have set aside—a trip or experience from their bucket list.
Help them reunite with old friends or family members.
Talk to them about their expectations for living arrangements as they approach declining health and end of life.
If one or both of our parents have already passed, honoring them is still important—not for them, but for others. Who is blessed when we honor the memory and legacy of our parents? Primarily, our children and their children. The continuity of family binds generations in a perpetuating identity. As individuals, we need to know who we are and where we belong. From the beginning, the Bible describes families as multi-generational units through which God works and blesses. Honor is the glue that creates these bonds.
Tell their stories to your children and grandchildren.
Create a family treasure chest of photos and artifacts that can become heirloom.
Write a letter to them, expressing your thanks, your hurts, and your regrets.
Confront any anger or resentment that you may have and commit to forgive.
The breakdown of the family unit, often coupled with a loss of generational honor, is epidemic in our culture today. It is no surprise that identity confusion, anxiety and depression, are also on the rise. This occurs with teenagers, emerging adults and mid-lifers. Honoring our parents at every stage of life is important. In your PhaseNEXT, you can make a generational impact by simply living out this Biblical imperative.
Book Review: Mom and Dad, We Need to Talk - How to Have Essential Conversations with your Parents About Their Finances by Cameron Huddleston.
You can’t start this conversation too soon! But for many of us, talking to our parents about financial matters and their mortality is awkward, emotional, and dreaded. But now is the time. This book contains great tips on the hows and whys of the difficult but important conversations we need to have with our parents as they move from independence to needing your help. It includes explanations of legal documents, lists of information to collect, conversation starters, and many other helpful tools.
You can’t start this conversation too soon! But for many of us, talking to our parents about financial matters and their mortality is awkward, emotional, and dreaded. But now is the time. This book contains great tips on the hows and whys of the difficult but important conversations we need to have with our parents as they move from independence to needing your help. It includes explanations of legal documents, lists of information to collect, conversation starters, and many other helpful tools.
Huddleston offers the great advice that we should talk to our siblings before talking to our parents. This is a step this is often overlooked in the process. Failure to consider sibling dynamics can lead to years of rivalry, hurt feelings and difficulty in making decisions at the critical times for the parents.
The author also recommends that we start having these conversations with our own children sooner rather than later. Huddleston suggests that we make this part of the family conversation, addressing all of the important information over the course of time. What a gift to your children to take this responsibility off them for when it’s their turn to start taking care of you.
If you’re not sure where to begin in this pivot, read this book.