Story: Things We’ve Learned By Experience With Our Parents (Henry & Celia D.)
Over the last 34 years, Celia and I have had the blessed, but difficult, experience of caring for aging and dying parents. Here are some things we learned that we hope will make your journey a blessing for you and your family.
1. Caring for the elderly requires a sense of humor.
As memory and cognitive ability begin to fade, funny things happen. Like the time Mom yelled out “Help!!” while lying on a stretcher in her cubicle in the Emergency Room. I had stepped outside the curtain for a moment, and she cried out. It was just an interesting moment, as Mom didn’t really need anything, and the ER staff were providing the appropriate amount of care for her. She told me she just didn’t want to be alone. You can’t dream up this kind of thing!
As memory fades, they may lose track of the passage of time. I recall Mom telling me with great excitement about a movie she had just seen. When I asked her the name of the movie, she said she had no idea!
Learn to laugh on these occasions. Bring joy and understanding to your parent as they relive important experiences from the past or create new ones. These stories will also be repeated, and if you didn’t pay attention to the stories the first time, you’ll probably get to hear them many times again.
2. Take a little extra time to talk.
Our elderly parents need to feel valued. Sometimes that simply requires taking the time to listen or ask questions. One time, a dear lady in a retirement home was distraught because she had lost something important to her. She asked me to sit down and listen to her. It seemed that she really wasn’t interested in searching for the item, but just wanted me to listen to her. After a few minutes of talking, she was satisfied, thanked me, and walked away.
Ask questions to see how they are doing. Ask about how they are spending their time, what they like to do, what colors they enjoy, what books they like, what they like to eat, what music they like to listen to and who their friends are. Questions like these demonstrate interest and help our aging parents feel heard and that we care for them.
Here are some things Celia and I found especially helpful with our parents:
• A regular lunch date with my Dad and coffee date with my father-in-law; the same for Celia and me with our mothers
• Celebrating special events with our parents, always trying to include as many grandchildren as possible.
• Taking them to see beautiful spots, like driving Celia’s mom to the top of Paris Mountain here in the Greenville area or taking our parents to the beach.
• Lunch trips to a drive-through with mom and eating in the car; She looked with wonder at a gorgeous tree outside the Chick-Fil-A and commented on how beautiful it was.
• Provide experiences like baseball games, movies, concerts; the last time I took our father-in-law to a movie, he fell asleep several times and I nudged him awake each time. Remember to laugh!!
• Review their personal Bibles and talk about their notes and highlighted passages. I still use my Dad’s Bible each time I perform a wedding.
• Read their personal journals to them.
• Help them record their family stories with photo albums or recorded interviews and take time to look at them and hear them.
• Talk about the things they want to discuss, especially their memories.
3. Help parents make good choices about living facilities.
Having an initial conversation about moving into a more supportive environment can be difficult for you and your parents. When you do, take the time to evaluate all of the options that might be available based on their financial situation, their personal preferences, and the ability of family and friends to assist with needs. Be sure to engage with your parents’ financial professionals to request their advice and assistance in the decision-making process.
When looking at specific facilities, it’s important to personally visit the facility. We encourage you to tour the living accommodations, dining room, grounds, and community amenities. Talk with the staff and family members of other residents to ensure that there is good alignment with your and your parents’ values and expectations. Be patient during this process, as parents will probably not follow our own internal timeline.
As the time to move out of the family home approaches, allow enough time and include other family members. We found it very helpful to start the process of reducing their home’s contents well before the actual move-out date. As it’s possible, we encourage you to engage your siblings in deciding where various items go. This can be an emotional process for everyone, but the distribution of as many of the contents as possible is a definite gift for the children of aging parents.
4. Toward the end of life, your presence is important.
The window of time at the end-of-life can be emotionally challenging, leading some to stay away from parents as they decline. But your physical presence at this stage is critical. From a practical standpoint, you will need to be able to interact with the health-care providers, as well as knowing your parents’ schedules and talking to them personally about what is going on. When you are not able to be there, it is good to arrange for other friends or family members to visit and engage with your parents.
There are several things you can do to be a blessing to your dying parents and the rest of the family. Reading Scripture, praying and singing favorite hymns is always a blessing. Tell stories with pictures and momentos from their past and encourage others who may also be hurting to participate in this process.
We found these to be helpful strategies for honoring our aging parents. But this also requires personal changes ourselves. Here are some tips we learned along the way:
1) Patience, patience, patience – Everything at this stage takes longer and involves more adjustments than when our parents were in their prime, so please don’t be in a hurry.
2) Humility and grace – Remember that this is not easy for your parents either. They are struggling with the loss of health and independence. Our sweet spirits, personalities, imaginations, and senses of humor can really help and will ease the pain of these transitions.
3) Personal sacrifice – We must consider parents before ourselves, which will require the loss of time and is often draining. We may have to reduce our budget; change our schedule; and alter our social life for this important season. Being adaptable is critical!
Celia and I have been blessed to care for our aging parents. Although we have experienced the loss of their presence, we are sustained by the legacy they have given us. Looking back over these years brings joy to our hearts and lots of smiles, funny experiences recalled, and great memories. These suggestions have freed us from regrets about the way we treated our parents at the end of their lives; we also pray that the way we loved our parents will be a helpful standard for our children and grandchildren and others as well.