Blog Post: Reversing the Effects of Distraction in Midlife Marriage
For years, your children created a distraction from your marriage relationship. Even if you were thoughtful to avoid becoming child-centered, the distraction was inevitable. Raising children requires most of your attention, both functionally and relationally.
While you were distracted, two barriers to intimacy may have developed.
First, both you and your spouse changed. It is likely that you did not change at the same pace or in the same direction, but you both changed. When the distraction is removed, you may look at your spouse and wonder who you are married to.
Second, unresolved issues have gotten buried. For some couples, problems in the relationship were known and intentionally ignored. They may have even contemplated divorce, but stayed together “for the sake of the children.” For other couples, the distraction may have prevented them from even being aware as the injuries piled up. Now the small wounds have festered and become gangrenous. Others were aware of the problems, but believed that they would resolve themselves or could be dealt with later. They were simply too busy.
Once the distraction of parenting is gone, there is a temptation to fill the void with more distraction—golf, career, social activities. But this is the time to turn your full attention back to the first relationship—your marriage.
The antidote to being distracted is to be attentive. The Oxford dictionary defines attentive as “paying close attention to something.” The second definition is more instructive for midlife marriage: “assiduously attending to the comfort or wishes of others.”
What could happen in your marriage if you paid “close attention” to your spouse and “assiduously attended” to his or her comfort and wishes? The idea of paying attention to others is found in scripture for marriages and other relationships.
Do nothing out of selfish ambition or conceit, but in humility consider others as more important than yourselves. Everyone should look out not only for his own interests, but rather to the interests of others. Philippians 2:3-4
To sum up, each one of you is to love his wife as himself, and the wife is to respect her husband. Ephesians 5:33
Wives submit to your own husbands. . . Husbands live with your wives in an understanding way. 1 Peter 3:1-7
While distraction is passive, being attentive to your spouse requires active, intentional effort. You didn’t intend to build barriers to intimacy, they just happened. You didn’t recognize the changes that were occurring in your spouse because you were distracted—not paying attention. Injuries piled up because you were distracted, you didn’t deal with them, you didn’t assiduously attend to your spouse’s needs.
Here are three things you can do to be attentive to your spouse and restore the intimacy of midlife marriage.
1) Be curious.
In the distraction, things changed. Don’t assume you know how your spouse feels, what they want, what they think. In the phase of parenting children, each spouse has served a role that may not reflect their natural gifting or passion. The person you married may have been in hiding all this time. Also, the challenges of raising children has chiseled and molded the person you knew 20 years ago into a very different person.
To be attentive, you need to understand your spouse. Ask questions to understand deeply, not to test or interrogate. Like a newlywed would, ask about interests, likes and dislikes, dreams, hopes and fears. Take a genuine interest and get to know each other again, as for the first time.
2) Be safe.
In the distraction, it is likely that you developed bad patterns of communication. To avoid dealing with problems, you may have become dismissive or judgmental of each other’s concerns or feelings. Evaluate for yourself: How do I respond when my spouse shares their fears, dreams, ideas, or opinions?
To be attentive, you must be open and available. You must allow your spouse to be vulnerable by listening to the expressions of the heart without offering judgment or solution. Aggressively avoid criticism and hurry. Carefully guard the confidences and tenderness that are shared with you. Show that you will defend them from all who would do harm—even if that’s you.
(For some couples, the infected wounds of the past may require professional attention. A trained counselor can help create a safe environment for these much-needed conversations.)
3) Be responsive.
In the distraction, you may have lost sight of the needs of your spouse. Your focus was on the needs of the children, the household, and the family. You had to ration your care and attention to that which seemed most urgent. It’s also likely that your spouse suppressed their own needs in deference to the needs of others in the family.
To be attentive, you will need to offer and observe. Your spouse may not be in the habit of making their needs known. You need to ask. When they answer, you should respond on their terms—not how you see fit. But to be “assiduously attentive” you need to observe and study your spouse so that you can begin to anticipate their need. Like the waiter who refills your water glass, endeavor to meet needs before a request is made.
Intimacy is the essence of a thriving marriage. Good news! By overcoming distraction and being attentive to your spouse, you can recover intimacy in your midlife marriage.