Book Review: From Strength to Strength: Finding Success, Happiness and Deep Purpose in the Second Half of Life by Arthur C. Brooks
At Midlife, we begin to realize that our effectiveness is waning. This may cause us to question our purpose and our worth. None of us desire to be irrelevant. The fear of irrelevance may steal our joy and drive. Midlife is the ideal opportunity to make changes that will revitalize your effectiveness and bring great fulfillment.
At Midlife, we begin to realize that our effectiveness is waning. This may cause us to question our purpose and our worth. None of us desire to be irrelevant. The fear of irrelevance may steal our joy and drive. Midlife is the ideal opportunity to make changes that will revitalize your effectiveness and bring great fulfillment.
In his book From Strength to Strength, Arthur Brooks opens with his encounter with an elderly man on an airplane muttering to his wife that he wishes he were dead. Brooks recognized this man as a highly respected and well-known hero and patriot. Brooks never identifies the individual, but intimates that we would surely recognize this man, as did the other passengers and pilot of the plane. The juxtaposition of the former glory and current misery is stark and puzzling, causing Brooks to begin a journey to understand the factors that affect the trajectory of effectiveness and our sense of purpose and fulfillment. Citing multiple studies, Brooks explains two progressions that impact our fulfillment as a function of time. First is the productivity curve which reaches its apex after 20-25 years in a career or scholarly pursuit. A second progression is reflected in the concepts of “fluid” and “crystalized” knowledge. These factors explain why innovation and creativity are most prevalent in the early years of our career or life endeavor.
Brooks believes that these curves are more a function of tenure in the pursuit than a function of aging. In the remainder of the book, Brooks discusses the mindset and action steps that will allow a person in midlife to make changes that will restart the these progressions and increase fulfillment.
Have you reached your peak productivity? Do you sense that your contribution to your organization or profession is beginning to wain? While Brooks suggests that this is normal (and possibly inevitable), there is good news. If you are willing to Pivot, you can have many more productive years. The key is to engage in the intentional process of assessing the current situation and possibilities, making adjustments that point you in a new direction, and acting on the possibilities.
Book Review: The 4 Seasons of Marriage: Secrets to Lasting Marriage, by Gary Chapman
Marriage relationships have their ups and downs: times of growth and times of atrophy; times of strength and times of challenge. Well known author and marriage counselor Gary Chapman describes these as “seasons.” In The 4 Seasons of Marriage: Secrets to a Lasting Marriage, Chapman describes the emotions, attitudes and actions that characterize each season, and he provides strategies for moving through difficult seasons and lengthening favorable seasons.
Marriage relationships have their ups and downs: times of growth and times of atrophy; times of strength and times of challenge. Well known author and marriage counselor Gary Chapman describes these as “seasons.” In The 4 Seasons of Marriage: Secrets to a Lasting Marriage, Chapman describes the emotions, attitudes and actions that characterize each season, and he provides strategies for moving through difficult seasons and lengthening favorable seasons.
While the analogy to the seasons of nature has many parallels to marriage, as Chapman explains, there are two critical differences. First, seasons of marriage do not necessarily follow in progressive sequence. It is possible to experience seasons in random order, and a couple may return to the same season of marriage multiple times. Second, the seasons don’t change as a function of time. Rather the changing of seasons can be intermittent and progress as a function of the inputs that are discussed in the book.
Your Midlife Marriage could be in any of these seasons depending on how you have managed the relationship to this point. Chapman offers great help in identifying these seasons and developing a strategy to ensure that our Midlife Marriage will be full of passion, purpose and legacy—blessing us and others.
Here are the Seasons of Marriage as described by Chapman:
Winter – This harsh season is characterized by the emotions of hurt, anger, disappointment, loneliness, rejection, and sometimes hopelessness. These emotions often lead to negative attitudes that “are like a bitter wind.” These attitudes lead to withdrawal, harsh and destructive speech, and possibly even violence. “In the winter season of marriage, couples are unwilling to negotiate differences. Conversations turn to arguments, or spouses withdraw in silence. There is no sense of togetherness. The marriage is like two people living in separate igloos.”
According to Chapman, the positive side of the winter season is that it can motivate us to make the changes necessary to move toward restoring our relationship.
Spring – This is where most marriages start. It is a time of beginnings. But it can also be a time of rejuvenation—beginning again. Spring is characterized by animated and buoyant feelings such as excitement, joy, hope and happiness. These feelings are accompanied by an attitude of gratitude and anticipation of the future. Trust thrives during this season. “Spring is a time of new beginnings. . . . There is a sense of excitement about life together. Couples are making plans. They have hopes for the future. They are planting seeds from which they hope to reap a harvest of happiness.”
But, spring has its downside. While flowers grow, so do weeds and other irritations. Careful tending is required to reach the warmth of summer.
Summer – This season is characterized by feelings of happiness, satisfaction, accomplishment and connection. Typically, couples in this season desire continued growth and are willing to work toward that. They will take all the necessary actions—communication, accepting differences, investing time into the relationship—that are required. “In the summer season of marriage, the dreams of spring have come true. Couples enjoy a great deal of satisfaction from their accomplishments.”
But, in the summer of marriage, the unresolved conflicts of spring can sting like yellow jackets.
Fall – This season brings a fading of the bounty of summer. Emotions change to feelings of sadness, apprehension and depletion. Changes in the family relationships often bring concern and low-level anxiety regarding the uncertainties of the future. This season is often characterized by neglect—relying on inertia to keep the marriage moving forward. During this season, infidelity can pull on the relationship. “In the fall season, couples sense that something is happening, but they’re not sure what. There is a sense of detachment. One or both spouses begin to feel neglected.”
The changes of fall can serve as a signal that winter may be coming. Fortunately, winter in marriage is not inevitable; couples can take action to avoid it and return to warmer seasons.
Chapman provides a thorough explanation of seven strategies to prolong the good seasons and to get through the hard seasons quickly:
Deal with past failures
Choose a winning attitude
Learn to speak your spouse’s love language
Develop the awesome power of empathetic listening
Discover the joy of helping your spouse succeed
Maximize your differences
Implement the power of positive influence
After years of investing heavily in parenting and career, your marriage may need some attention. The 4 Seasons of Marriage is a great place to start. The book includes an assessment to help you evaluate which season you are in, answers to common questions, and a study guide. This is an investment well worth making.
Book Review: Marriage in the Middle: Embracing Midlife Surprises, Challenges and Joys by Dorothy Littel Greco
Marriage can be difficult at every stage, but especially during transitions. Do you remember the struggles and adjustments that you made when you newly wed? Then the relationship changed again when kids came into the family. Chances are good you have avoided or left unresolved many issues over the last 20+ years. Now that it’s just the two of you again, those issues are going to come back to the forefront.
Marriage can be difficult at every stage, but especially during transitions. Do you remember the struggles and adjustments that you made when you newly wed? Then the relationship changed again when kids came into the family. Chances are good you have avoided or left unresolved many issues over the last 20+ years. Now that it’s just the two of you again, those issues are going to come back to the forefront.
This book is specifically addressed to the marriage issues that surface during Midlife. Written from a Christian perspective, it addresses issues that are basic to any marriage, but illustrates and addresses them as they occur in Midlife. Greco reminds us of the telos of our marriage and offers instruction and hope for how we reclaim (or find) that sense of purpose. The author identifies three “essential traits” for the work that must be done during this pivot: malleability, resilience and engagement.
In addition to a candid discussion of the issues that occurred in her marriage and family, Greco includes interviews with other couples relating to the subjects of each chapter that are very frank and instructive. Each chapter concludes with questions for “Going Deeper” with yourself and your spouse.
Book Review: Empty Nest, What’s Next?: Parenting Adult Children Without Losing Your Mind by Michele Howe
Parenting emerging adult children brings about a host of challenges, internally and externally. When our children grow up and leave home, it introduces the void (or opportunity) of an empty nest, an altered state of our marriage, and new relationship dynamics with our kids. The practical and emotional impact of these changes is wide-ranging. In this book, author Michele Howe provides helpful perspective and advice on multiple facets of this phase of life and parenting.
Parenting emerging adult children brings about a host of challenges, internally and externally. When our children grow up and leave home, it introduces the void (or opportunity) of an empty nest, an altered state of our marriage, and new relationship dynamics with our kids. The practical and emotional impact of these changes is wide-ranging. In this book, author Michele Howe provides helpful perspective and advice on multiple facets of this phase of life and parenting.
This book is written in 30 short chapters, each of which includes an anecdotal experience, practical advice, Biblical insight and a short prayer. One option is to read one chapter per day over a one-month period as a type of daily devotional. Each chapter can be read and considered in just a few minutes, but offers enough substance to continue in your thoughts throughout the day.
Chapters two, four and six were both humbling and helpful to me. As an enneagram “type 2,” I want to solve problems, meet needs, ably assist. Now that my children have left my home and are “on their own,” my role as helper-in-chief is done. Howe shares that her daily prayer is “God, make up the difference.” This idea is explained in the context of acknowledging the mistakes we made as parents. It encourages us ask to God to straighten out what we may have messed up. But, while I have become poignantly aware of this need now, Howe points out that God has always been “making up the difference.”
On the hopeful side, Howe reminds us that the impact of our years of pouring wisdom into our children has not yet seen its full fruit. She explains that they are now having to work out for themselves what took us years to learn. She warns us not to deprive them of this experience by jumping in to control them or to mitigate the consequences. Ultimately, being aware that adult children make adult-sized mistakes requires that we daily surrender control to the Heavenly Father, who will continue to parent far better than we ever could.
Book Review: Empty Nest, Full Life - Discovering God’s Best for Your Next by Jill Savage
Author Jill Savage offers a guide through the emotional chaos that confronts parents when their children leave home, leaving them with a sense of loss and confusion. This dynamic is especially potent for women who have spent most of the prior 25 years dedicated to raising children. For the primary caregiver, their personal goals, dreams and desires have been put on hold for the sake of the family. Now that the kids are gone, they are left asking, “Now What?” “Who am I?” “What do I do?”
Author Jill Savage offers a guide through the emotional chaos that confronts parents when their children leave home, leaving them with a sense of loss and confusion. This dynamic is especially potent for women who have spent most of the prior 25 years dedicated to raising children. For the primary caregiver, their personal goals, dreams and desires have been put on hold for the sake of the family. Now that the kids are gone, they are left asking, “Now What?” “Who am I?” “What do I do?”
Although this book is written primarily from the perspective of a female caregiver, it offers great insight and encouragement to both parents. The content is built on the structure of “Let go; Take hold.” Savage exposes the thought patterns, expectations, and relationships that were present as our children were growing up that must now be released in order to move forward. She then points toward a beautiful future full of new relationships, meaning and purpose.
Savage offers practical suggestions for how to evaluate your current emotional state and to let go of the hinderances. She also offers advice on the work that may be required in the marriage in this new phase. Finally, the author gives tips for finding and pursuing opportunities that bring joy and fulfillment in this phase. Savage highlights the “Ministry of Availability” as one of the great joys that she has found—giving her the ability to serve the practical needs of others by simply being available to help them.
The book includes devotional reflection and questions for deeper reflection. There is also a companion Journal intended to “help you slow down, reflect and record your thoughts as you work through the book.”
Book Review: Mom and Dad, We Need to Talk - How to Have Essential Conversations with your Parents About Their Finances by Cameron Huddleston.
You can’t start this conversation too soon! But for many of us, talking to our parents about financial matters and their mortality is awkward, emotional, and dreaded. But now is the time. This book contains great tips on the hows and whys of the difficult but important conversations we need to have with our parents as they move from independence to needing your help. It includes explanations of legal documents, lists of information to collect, conversation starters, and many other helpful tools.
You can’t start this conversation too soon! But for many of us, talking to our parents about financial matters and their mortality is awkward, emotional, and dreaded. But now is the time. This book contains great tips on the hows and whys of the difficult but important conversations we need to have with our parents as they move from independence to needing your help. It includes explanations of legal documents, lists of information to collect, conversation starters, and many other helpful tools.
Huddleston offers the great advice that we should talk to our siblings before talking to our parents. This is a step this is often overlooked in the process. Failure to consider sibling dynamics can lead to years of rivalry, hurt feelings and difficulty in making decisions at the critical times for the parents.
The author also recommends that we start having these conversations with our own children sooner rather than later. Huddleston suggests that we make this part of the family conversation, addressing all of the important information over the course of time. What a gift to your children to take this responsibility off them for when it’s their turn to start taking care of you.
If you’re not sure where to begin in this pivot, read this book.
Book Review: Doing Life with Your Adult Children - Keep Your Mouth Shut & the Welcome Mat Out by Jim Burns.
If you thought the teenage years were tough, parenting emerging adults is tricky. None of the tools that were available to you when your children were at home are effective now that they have the ability to leave. Parenting adult children requires a whole new basis for the relationship and method of engagement. In some cases, your children are expressing their new independence in ways that are disappointing. In other cases, your children are not moving into independence as quickly or thoroughly as you would like. Perhaps one child fits in both categories!
If you thought the teenage years were tough, parenting emerging adults is tricky. None of the tools that were available to you when your children were at home are effective now that they have the ability to leave. Parenting adult children requires a whole new basis for the relationship and method of engagement. In some cases, your children are expressing their new independence in ways that are disappointing. In other cases, your children are not moving into independence as quickly or thoroughly as you would like. Perhaps one child fits in both categories!
In this book, Jim Burns gives practical advice for navigating these difficult waters. The title of the book is, in many ways, a great summary of our new role—and that is where the author starts. We are encouraged to recognize that, although the goal of our parenting—to raise godly children—has not changed, our ‘job description” has changed dramatically. Burns offers specific instruction on how to maintain access to the heart of your adult child so that you will maintain influence through a loving relationship.
Burns offers hope for parents whose children have not taken responsibility for their lives, continue to depend on their parents, or fail to reflect the parents’ values. Sociologist and Developmental Psychologists have begun to identify and define a new stage in the progression from teenager to fully independent adult as “emerging adulthood.” Many define this as the stage between 18 and 25 years old. During this stage, children are still learning the life skills for independent living, exploring their own purpose and direction, and making choices about their identity. As their parents, we want to move them through this quickly. Our tendency is to react with a mix of emotionally charged responses: control, guilt, directives, enabling, sheltering, ultimatums, etc. Burns provides perspective and practical steps for guiding our children through this phase.
Importantly, Burns points us to a future day when our family expands to include our children’s spouses (and their parents) and grandchildren. On this point, Burns encourages us to ask this question before speaking to family concerns: “Will what I am about to say or do improve the relationship?” He then offers 5 tips to navigate the in-law relationship. Burns also reminds us that the role of a grandparent is vastly different than of a parent, and to respect the boundary.
In the Afterword, Burns makes several observations and suggestions that dovetail with the PhaseNEXT approach:
Develop a well-thought-out plan
Parent in a community, not on an island
Practice the principles of the book, but realize that life is messy
Trust that God is on your side.