Book Review: The 4 Seasons of Marriage: Secrets to Lasting Marriage, by Gary Chapman
Marriage relationships have their ups and downs: times of growth and times of atrophy; times of strength and times of challenge. Well known author and marriage counselor Gary Chapman describes these as “seasons.” In The 4 Seasons of Marriage: Secrets to a Lasting Marriage, Chapman describes the emotions, attitudes and actions that characterize each season, and he provides strategies for moving through difficult seasons and lengthening favorable seasons.
While the analogy to the seasons of nature has many parallels to marriage, as Chapman explains, there are two critical differences. First, seasons of marriage do not necessarily follow in progressive sequence. It is possible to experience seasons in random order, and a couple may return to the same season of marriage multiple times. Second, the seasons don’t change as a function of time. Rather the changing of seasons can be intermittent and progress as a function of the inputs that are discussed in the book.
Your Midlife Marriage could be in any of these seasons depending on how you have managed the relationship to this point. Chapman offers great help in identifying these seasons and developing a strategy to ensure that our Midlife Marriage will be full of passion, purpose and legacy—blessing us and others.
Here are the Seasons of Marriage as described by Chapman:
Winter – This harsh season is characterized by the emotions of hurt, anger, disappointment, loneliness, rejection, and sometimes hopelessness. These emotions often lead to negative attitudes that “are like a bitter wind.” These attitudes lead to withdrawal, harsh and destructive speech, and possibly even violence. “In the winter season of marriage, couples are unwilling to negotiate differences. Conversations turn to arguments, or spouses withdraw in silence. There is no sense of togetherness. The marriage is like two people living in separate igloos.”
According to Chapman, the positive side of the winter season is that it can motivate us to make the changes necessary to move toward restoring our relationship.
Spring – This is where most marriages start. It is a time of beginnings. But it can also be a time of rejuvenation—beginning again. Spring is characterized by animated and buoyant feelings such as excitement, joy, hope and happiness. These feelings are accompanied by an attitude of gratitude and anticipation of the future. Trust thrives during this season. “Spring is a time of new beginnings. . . . There is a sense of excitement about life together. Couples are making plans. They have hopes for the future. They are planting seeds from which they hope to reap a harvest of happiness.”
But, spring has its downside. While flowers grow, so do weeds and other irritations. Careful tending is required to reach the warmth of summer.
Summer – This season is characterized by feelings of happiness, satisfaction, accomplishment and connection. Typically, couples in this season desire continued growth and are willing to work toward that. They will take all the necessary actions—communication, accepting differences, investing time into the relationship—that are required. “In the summer season of marriage, the dreams of spring have come true. Couples enjoy a great deal of satisfaction from their accomplishments.”
But, in the summer of marriage, the unresolved conflicts of spring can sting like yellow jackets.
Fall – This season brings a fading of the bounty of summer. Emotions change to feelings of sadness, apprehension and depletion. Changes in the family relationships often bring concern and low-level anxiety regarding the uncertainties of the future. This season is often characterized by neglect—relying on inertia to keep the marriage moving forward. During this season, infidelity can pull on the relationship. “In the fall season, couples sense that something is happening, but they’re not sure what. There is a sense of detachment. One or both spouses begin to feel neglected.”
The changes of fall can serve as a signal that winter may be coming. Fortunately, winter in marriage is not inevitable; couples can take action to avoid it and return to warmer seasons.
Chapman provides a thorough explanation of seven strategies to prolong the good seasons and to get through the hard seasons quickly:
Deal with past failures
Choose a winning attitude
Learn to speak your spouse’s love language
Develop the awesome power of empathetic listening
Discover the joy of helping your spouse succeed
Maximize your differences
Implement the power of positive influence
After years of investing heavily in parenting and career, your marriage may need some attention. The 4 Seasons of Marriage is a great place to start. The book includes an assessment to help you evaluate which season you are in, answers to common questions, and a study guide. This is an investment well worth making.