Blog Post: Sibling Dynamics in Caregiving
“I just want to say how blessed I feel that you and I are mostly in agreement about our parents’ care.”
I received that text from my sister this week. It came with a message letting me know that our dad is scheduled for an MRI tomorrow, after receiving a lower than expected score on a memory test. This news comes in the context of losing our mom just a little more than a year and a half ago, with Alzheimer’s.
Thinking back on that difficult journey, I realize that our cooperation at that time was facilitated largely by several things: our father serving as Mom’s day-to-day caregiver, us living nearly equidistant away from them, and both of us having deferential personalities. Thankfully, the harmony we experienced during our mother’s illness occurred almost naturally.
But this time is different. Our dad is alone; he does not have a spouse to observe and assist him. He relies more heavily on my sister for help, and seems to be more comfortable communicating with her about his needs. And at this time in my life, I now have a full-time job, a significantly down-sized home, and an engaged son preparing for an upcoming wedding.
So as we stand on the threshold of another caregiving season, I recognize that different decisions will need to be made. When we need to move our father out of his home, he will need to live with (or nearby) one of us. While my sister and I are each willing to become the primary caregiver, circumstances indicate that she will most likely take on that role. And our caregiving responsibilities for him will no longer remain relatively equal where we take turns visiting, attending doctor’s appointments, and stocking the freezer with ready-to-eat meals; she will carry the lion’s share. The diagnosis and disease progression may be similar, but this journey will follow its own path.
There are many reasons one sibling becomes the primary caregiver. Factors of geographical proximity, relationship with the parent, skills and abilities, career flexibility, family status, dynamics with in-laws, and housing layout, among others, all play a part. But there are things each sibling can do to help pursue peaceful cooperation. My responsibility this time will include supporting and encouraging my sister as we care for our dad in different ways.
If your sibling is the Primary Caregiver…
Recognize it’s not about you.
Don’t overanalyze why your sibling is the primary caregiver instead of you. The reasons don’t really matter, and the real question is how will you respond?Express appreciation.
Acknowledge the imbalance and do not take your sibling for granted. Show gratitude. Say the words. Repeatedly. Don’t assume they know.Provide relief.
Schedule time where you will handle all caregiving responsibilities to allow your sibling an uninterrupted vacation or weekend away. If possible, bring your parent to your house to give your sibling a break.Speak graciously.
Rethink and rephrase your input and suggestions so that they will not be received as criticism or second-guessing.Be encouraging.
Remember that your sibling is not an expert any more than you are, and is doing the best they know how under very stressful and emotional circumstances.
If you are the Primary Caregiver…
Collaborate on decisions.
Talk to your siblings about care change decisions. You probably know best what might work or not, but your siblings are also emotionally interested in the outcome. They should have an opportunity to voice their opinion.Appreciate the gift of providing care.
Remember that even though you carry the higher level of caregiving stress, you are also privileged to spend more time with your aging parent. You will always be able to treasure those memories with your loved one.Keep everyone informed.
Create a shared note on your phone where you and your siblings can track milestone events and medical condition updates together.Be gracious and respectful.
Remember that despite how it may seem at times, your siblings probably wish they could be more involved. Be aware that subtle “digs” or comments made “in jest” can be deeply hurtful to your siblings.Ask for help.
Guard against feelings of resentment, but if you feel it rising, don’t play the martyr. Speak up and ask specifically for what you need from your siblings.
Managing sibling relationships while caring for aging parents can be tricky. This is why my sister’s text this week meant so much to me. And if she becomes the primary caregiver for our father, it is my prayer that I will support and encourage her well, relieve her when I can, and show my gratitude for her commitment to our dad.