Blog Post: Reversing the Effects of Distraction in Midlife Marriage
For years, your children created a distraction from your marriage relationship. Even if you were thoughtful to avoid becoming child-centered, the distraction was inevitable. Raising children requires most of your attention, both functionally and relationally.
While you were distracted, two barriers to intimacy may have developed.
For years, your children created a distraction from your marriage relationship. Even if you were thoughtful to avoid becoming child-centered, the distraction was inevitable. Raising children requires most of your attention, both functionally and relationally.
While you were distracted, two barriers to intimacy may have developed.
First, both you and your spouse changed. It is likely that you did not change at the same pace or in the same direction, but you both changed. When the distraction is removed, you may look at your spouse and wonder who you are married to.
Second, unresolved issues have gotten buried. For some couples, problems in the relationship were known and intentionally ignored. They may have even contemplated divorce, but stayed together “for the sake of the children.” For other couples, the distraction may have prevented them from even being aware as the injuries piled up. Now the small wounds have festered and become gangrenous. Others were aware of the problems, but believed that they would resolve themselves or could be dealt with later. They were simply too busy.
Once the distraction of parenting is gone, there is a temptation to fill the void with more distraction—golf, career, social activities. But this is the time to turn your full attention back to the first relationship—your marriage.
The antidote to being distracted is to be attentive. The Oxford dictionary defines attentive as “paying close attention to something.” The second definition is more instructive for midlife marriage: “assiduously attending to the comfort or wishes of others.”
What could happen in your marriage if you paid “close attention” to your spouse and “assiduously attended” to his or her comfort and wishes? The idea of paying attention to others is found in scripture for marriages and other relationships.
Do nothing out of selfish ambition or conceit, but in humility consider others as more important than yourselves. Everyone should look out not only for his own interests, but rather to the interests of others. Philippians 2:3-4
To sum up, each one of you is to love his wife as himself, and the wife is to respect her husband. Ephesians 5:33
Wives submit to your own husbands. . . Husbands live with your wives in an understanding way. 1 Peter 3:1-7
While distraction is passive, being attentive to your spouse requires active, intentional effort. You didn’t intend to build barriers to intimacy, they just happened. You didn’t recognize the changes that were occurring in your spouse because you were distracted—not paying attention. Injuries piled up because you were distracted, you didn’t deal with them, you didn’t assiduously attend to your spouse’s needs.
Here are three things you can do to be attentive to your spouse and restore the intimacy of midlife marriage.
1) Be curious.
In the distraction, things changed. Don’t assume you know how your spouse feels, what they want, what they think. In the phase of parenting children, each spouse has served a role that may not reflect their natural gifting or passion. The person you married may have been in hiding all this time. Also, the challenges of raising children has chiseled and molded the person you knew 20 years ago into a very different person.
To be attentive, you need to understand your spouse. Ask questions to understand deeply, not to test or interrogate. Like a newlywed would, ask about interests, likes and dislikes, dreams, hopes and fears. Take a genuine interest and get to know each other again, as for the first time.
2) Be safe.
In the distraction, it is likely that you developed bad patterns of communication. To avoid dealing with problems, you may have become dismissive or judgmental of each other’s concerns or feelings. Evaluate for yourself: How do I respond when my spouse shares their fears, dreams, ideas, or opinions?
To be attentive, you must be open and available. You must allow your spouse to be vulnerable by listening to the expressions of the heart without offering judgment or solution. Aggressively avoid criticism and hurry. Carefully guard the confidences and tenderness that are shared with you. Show that you will defend them from all who would do harm—even if that’s you.
(For some couples, the infected wounds of the past may require professional attention. A trained counselor can help create a safe environment for these much-needed conversations.)
3) Be responsive.
In the distraction, you may have lost sight of the needs of your spouse. Your focus was on the needs of the children, the household, and the family. You had to ration your care and attention to that which seemed most urgent. It’s also likely that your spouse suppressed their own needs in deference to the needs of others in the family.
To be attentive, you will need to offer and observe. Your spouse may not be in the habit of making their needs known. You need to ask. When they answer, you should respond on their terms—not how you see fit. But to be “assiduously attentive” you need to observe and study your spouse so that you can begin to anticipate their need. Like the waiter who refills your water glass, endeavor to meet needs before a request is made.
Intimacy is the essence of a thriving marriage. Good news! By overcoming distraction and being attentive to your spouse, you can recover intimacy in your midlife marriage.
Blog Post: Inject a Dose of Fun Into Your Midlife Marriage!
For newly empty-nesters, you have spent the previous 5 or more years in an all out push to successfully launch teenagers into adulthood. Your marriage has been consumed with coordination of high school sports, activities, concerts, recitals, and special programs. Your time together was spent mostly in giving your full support to your children as they built their list of honors and achievements for college applications or job resumes. Launching teens can be stressful and exhausting!
Play sharpens our talent for empathy and collaboration. It's the antidote to social isolation
-Scott G. Eberle
For newly empty-nesters, you have spent the previous 5 or more years in an all out push to successfully launch teenagers into adulthood. Your marriage has been consumed with coordination of high school sports, activities, concerts, recitals, and special programs. Your time together was spent mostly in giving your full support to your children as they built their list of honors and achievements for college applications or job resumes. Launching teens can be stressful and exhausting!
Then one day after the kids have moved out, you look across the car or dinner table and think, "Who is this person I used to know?" You may begin to wonder... "Do we have anything in common anymore? Do we still love each other? Without the kids' activities to fill up our schedule, am I going to get bored spending a lot more time with my spouse?"
Now is the perfect time to reinvigorate your marriage with some FUN and PLAY! Having fun together helps foster emotional intimacy. Shared laughter creates positive connections and trust in your relationship. Playing together refreshes and rehydrates where things have become stale and dry.
An active play date is an easy way to infuse some lightheartedness into your interactions. There are lots of ideas out there these days...axe throwing, escape rooms, shooting range, painting classes, couples dance lessons, pickle ball, day hikes, electric bike paths, indoor rock climbing, tennis, miniature golf, cooking classes, bowling…bring out your inner child! Remember...no serious or heavy conversation topics allowed during play dates. Make it your goal to just enjoy each other’s company.
You can also plan a relaxed play date at home. Turn off the TV and put away your phones. Play a card game or a board game. Always wanted to learn chess?-do it! Cook a special fun recipe together or decorate a cake. Play frisbee in the back yard. Work a puzzle or turn up the tunes and dance like nobody’s watching (they’re not)!
See if you can find ways to inject some playfulness and laughter into your physical relationship too. Interruptions or walk-ins are no longer a concern, and for many the need for contraception is gone now too. So go ahead—get out of your same ol’ routine and initiate something new. Flirt with each other, dance naked to silly songs, or try a different spot like the living room floor or garden tub. Lovemaking doesn’t always have to be serious; lighten it up occasionally!
Spending time with friends—old and new—is a great way to add some variety to your couple-to-couple social life. Last year Rett and I made a commitment to have dinner with another couple once a week. One of us would call or text another couple and invite them to meet us at a local restaurant for dinner. We brainstormed a list of names and started working our way through them in random order, adding new couples whenever someone came to mind. We intentionally tried to branch out of our normal friend group as much as we could. I encourage you to try these regular dinner dates. It is easy and so much FUN! Meeting at a restaurant allows for comfortable conversation, but it doesn’t turn into an “all night affair.” After an hour or so, the meal comes to a natural close as the server brings the checks. No one feels obligated to stay longer or continue to entertain house guests. There is no cooking or prepping the house, no “what can I bring?,” and no cleanup required. What could be easier?!
We don’t stop playing because we grow old; we grow old because we stop playing.
-George Bernard ShawOur brains are built to benefit from play no matter what our age.
-Theresa A. Kestly
Book Review: The 4 Seasons of Marriage: Secrets to Lasting Marriage, by Gary Chapman
Marriage relationships have their ups and downs: times of growth and times of atrophy; times of strength and times of challenge. Well known author and marriage counselor Gary Chapman describes these as “seasons.” In The 4 Seasons of Marriage: Secrets to a Lasting Marriage, Chapman describes the emotions, attitudes and actions that characterize each season, and he provides strategies for moving through difficult seasons and lengthening favorable seasons.
Marriage relationships have their ups and downs: times of growth and times of atrophy; times of strength and times of challenge. Well known author and marriage counselor Gary Chapman describes these as “seasons.” In The 4 Seasons of Marriage: Secrets to a Lasting Marriage, Chapman describes the emotions, attitudes and actions that characterize each season, and he provides strategies for moving through difficult seasons and lengthening favorable seasons.
While the analogy to the seasons of nature has many parallels to marriage, as Chapman explains, there are two critical differences. First, seasons of marriage do not necessarily follow in progressive sequence. It is possible to experience seasons in random order, and a couple may return to the same season of marriage multiple times. Second, the seasons don’t change as a function of time. Rather the changing of seasons can be intermittent and progress as a function of the inputs that are discussed in the book.
Your Midlife Marriage could be in any of these seasons depending on how you have managed the relationship to this point. Chapman offers great help in identifying these seasons and developing a strategy to ensure that our Midlife Marriage will be full of passion, purpose and legacy—blessing us and others.
Here are the Seasons of Marriage as described by Chapman:
Winter – This harsh season is characterized by the emotions of hurt, anger, disappointment, loneliness, rejection, and sometimes hopelessness. These emotions often lead to negative attitudes that “are like a bitter wind.” These attitudes lead to withdrawal, harsh and destructive speech, and possibly even violence. “In the winter season of marriage, couples are unwilling to negotiate differences. Conversations turn to arguments, or spouses withdraw in silence. There is no sense of togetherness. The marriage is like two people living in separate igloos.”
According to Chapman, the positive side of the winter season is that it can motivate us to make the changes necessary to move toward restoring our relationship.
Spring – This is where most marriages start. It is a time of beginnings. But it can also be a time of rejuvenation—beginning again. Spring is characterized by animated and buoyant feelings such as excitement, joy, hope and happiness. These feelings are accompanied by an attitude of gratitude and anticipation of the future. Trust thrives during this season. “Spring is a time of new beginnings. . . . There is a sense of excitement about life together. Couples are making plans. They have hopes for the future. They are planting seeds from which they hope to reap a harvest of happiness.”
But, spring has its downside. While flowers grow, so do weeds and other irritations. Careful tending is required to reach the warmth of summer.
Summer – This season is characterized by feelings of happiness, satisfaction, accomplishment and connection. Typically, couples in this season desire continued growth and are willing to work toward that. They will take all the necessary actions—communication, accepting differences, investing time into the relationship—that are required. “In the summer season of marriage, the dreams of spring have come true. Couples enjoy a great deal of satisfaction from their accomplishments.”
But, in the summer of marriage, the unresolved conflicts of spring can sting like yellow jackets.
Fall – This season brings a fading of the bounty of summer. Emotions change to feelings of sadness, apprehension and depletion. Changes in the family relationships often bring concern and low-level anxiety regarding the uncertainties of the future. This season is often characterized by neglect—relying on inertia to keep the marriage moving forward. During this season, infidelity can pull on the relationship. “In the fall season, couples sense that something is happening, but they’re not sure what. There is a sense of detachment. One or both spouses begin to feel neglected.”
The changes of fall can serve as a signal that winter may be coming. Fortunately, winter in marriage is not inevitable; couples can take action to avoid it and return to warmer seasons.
Chapman provides a thorough explanation of seven strategies to prolong the good seasons and to get through the hard seasons quickly:
Deal with past failures
Choose a winning attitude
Learn to speak your spouse’s love language
Develop the awesome power of empathetic listening
Discover the joy of helping your spouse succeed
Maximize your differences
Implement the power of positive influence
After years of investing heavily in parenting and career, your marriage may need some attention. The 4 Seasons of Marriage is a great place to start. The book includes an assessment to help you evaluate which season you are in, answers to common questions, and a study guide. This is an investment well worth making.
Book Review: Marriage in the Middle: Embracing Midlife Surprises, Challenges and Joys by Dorothy Littel Greco
Marriage can be difficult at every stage, but especially during transitions. Do you remember the struggles and adjustments that you made when you newly wed? Then the relationship changed again when kids came into the family. Chances are good you have avoided or left unresolved many issues over the last 20+ years. Now that it’s just the two of you again, those issues are going to come back to the forefront.
Marriage can be difficult at every stage, but especially during transitions. Do you remember the struggles and adjustments that you made when you newly wed? Then the relationship changed again when kids came into the family. Chances are good you have avoided or left unresolved many issues over the last 20+ years. Now that it’s just the two of you again, those issues are going to come back to the forefront.
This book is specifically addressed to the marriage issues that surface during Midlife. Written from a Christian perspective, it addresses issues that are basic to any marriage, but illustrates and addresses them as they occur in Midlife. Greco reminds us of the telos of our marriage and offers instruction and hope for how we reclaim (or find) that sense of purpose. The author identifies three “essential traits” for the work that must be done during this pivot: malleability, resilience and engagement.
In addition to a candid discussion of the issues that occurred in her marriage and family, Greco includes interviews with other couples relating to the subjects of each chapter that are very frank and instructive. Each chapter concludes with questions for “Going Deeper” with yourself and your spouse.
Book Review: Empty Nest, Full Life - Discovering God’s Best for Your Next by Jill Savage
Author Jill Savage offers a guide through the emotional chaos that confronts parents when their children leave home, leaving them with a sense of loss and confusion. This dynamic is especially potent for women who have spent most of the prior 25 years dedicated to raising children. For the primary caregiver, their personal goals, dreams and desires have been put on hold for the sake of the family. Now that the kids are gone, they are left asking, “Now What?” “Who am I?” “What do I do?”
Author Jill Savage offers a guide through the emotional chaos that confronts parents when their children leave home, leaving them with a sense of loss and confusion. This dynamic is especially potent for women who have spent most of the prior 25 years dedicated to raising children. For the primary caregiver, their personal goals, dreams and desires have been put on hold for the sake of the family. Now that the kids are gone, they are left asking, “Now What?” “Who am I?” “What do I do?”
Although this book is written primarily from the perspective of a female caregiver, it offers great insight and encouragement to both parents. The content is built on the structure of “Let go; Take hold.” Savage exposes the thought patterns, expectations, and relationships that were present as our children were growing up that must now be released in order to move forward. She then points toward a beautiful future full of new relationships, meaning and purpose.
Savage offers practical suggestions for how to evaluate your current emotional state and to let go of the hinderances. She also offers advice on the work that may be required in the marriage in this new phase. Finally, the author gives tips for finding and pursuing opportunities that bring joy and fulfillment in this phase. Savage highlights the “Ministry of Availability” as one of the great joys that she has found—giving her the ability to serve the practical needs of others by simply being available to help them.
The book includes devotional reflection and questions for deeper reflection. There is also a companion Journal intended to “help you slow down, reflect and record your thoughts as you work through the book.”