Blog Post: It's Not Your Fault
Separating myself from responsibility for the choices of my adult children has been a challenge. When they sin, my first reaction has been to question: “What did I do wrong?” and “How did we end up here?” And if I am not to blame, should I blame God? But no, that doesn’t seem right either.
Separating myself from responsibility for the choices of my adult children has been a challenge. When they sin, my first reaction has been to question: “What did I do wrong?” and “How did we end up here?” And if I am not to blame, should I blame God? But no, that doesn’t seem right either.
Our adult children have made plenty of mistakes. Some from simple immaturity or lack of life experience—the kind of problems that we will all laugh about someday. But they have also made some seriously bad relationship and moral choices, some of which will probably have long-term or even lifelong consequences—the kind of problems that we hoped and prayed they would avoid.
Our initial response to morally poor decisions was shock, disappointment, and deep grief. I have always struggled with self-blame when things go sideways, so I was quick to blame myself. Rett and I have been angry with ourselves, with God, and with our children. We have cried and prayed and processed. And through the heartbreak, I have realized that the first step towards a thriving life of relational peace—with God and with my children—is to make peace with myself.
1) Acknowledge that you made some mistakes.
The question isn’t, “What did I do wrong?” but, “Did my mistakes result in their bad choices?”
When our universe was turned upside-down by calls and texts no parent wants to receive, I needed to take some time to conduct an honest assessment of our child-rearing and answer my nagging doubts. This process was not a straight line by any means, but it boils down to this...
Did we make mistakes? Yes.
Did our sin affect our children? Yes.
Should we have done things differently? Yes.
I would venture a guess that most of you would answer these questions the same way. None of us think we were the perfect parent. And if you and I could start over in parenting with the wisdom we have now at age 50-ish, we would eliminate some of our mistakes (and no doubt make others!).
2. Remember that parenting is a faith journey, not a formula.
As young first-time parents, we purposed to raise our children to love and follow Jesus. We read all the books and took all the classes. But along the way, we accepted a lie. I believe it was an unintentional lie, but in our desire for control, we were eager to trust it.
The modern American Christian community made an unrealistic promise to parents. It goes something like this: if you raise your kids exactly as we say, applying all you learn in sermons, Sunday School, Christian radio, podcasts—and don’t forget all those Christian books—then your child will turn out just as you had hoped—loving God, making a good living, and making mostly good decisions. If, however, you make one mistake, the promise is null and void. You will have failed as a parent.”
from "Love no Matter What" by Brenda Garrison
We bought in to the “promise” that there is some sort of formula that guarantees a certain result—if we plug x into y, we will get z. So we set out to do all the things. But we also understood that we were flawed and ignorant, and we knew we would inevitably make mistakes. So we sincerely prayed for wisdom and guidance.
Did we ask and trust God to cover our parenting shortfalls with His grace? Yes.
And this is where real faith begins. If parenting is a formula, it does not involve real faith, and grace is unnecessary. A formula relies only on our own strength, our own effort. It presumes that we are sovereign. It’s all about control anyway, right? We believed we could control the outcome of our parenting; that we could produce little moral clones of ourselves. But parenting is not a science experiment where we can control all the variables. We don’t even have control over ourselves, much less our children!
3. Understand that your adult children are distinct moral agents.
God gave us free will so that love for Him would be our choice. That design offers great blessing, but also grave consequences. This is demonstrated in Scripture, often in the parent-child context.
Consider Genesis 3: Our Creator was the perfect parent who provided the perfect environment with the perfect relationship in perfect love. But His children failed. They disobeyed the single moral command He gave them.
Consider also King Hezekiah, who was one of the greatest king of Judah. Throughout his reign, he “remained faithful to the Lord and did not turn from following Him.” (2 Ki 18:5-6)
But great King Hezekiah’s son, King Manasseh, was an evil king and did not follow his father’s example at all. He reversed all the good religious reforms of King Hezekiah, and even sacrificed his own son to other gods! (2 Ki 21:2-6)
King Manasseh eventually “sought the favor of the Lord his God and earnestly humbled himself before the God of his ancestors.” And the Lord was gracious to forgive him. (2 Chron 33:12-13)
However, despite King Manasseh’s authentic repentance, his son, King Amon, was evil and “abandoned the Lord God.” (2 Ki 21:19-22)
And yet despite King Amon’s wickedness, his son, King Josiah, was arguably the greatest king of Judah. He wholeheartedly loved the Lord. When he found the lost Book of the Law, he was distraught at discovering the sin of his people. He publicly renewed the nation’s covenant with the Lord, observed Passover for the first time in generations, and made religious reforms throughout the entire kingdom. (2 Ki 22:2)
But then, without any explanation from Scripture, great King Josiah’s son, King Jehoiakim, “did what was evil in the Lord’s sight,” despite his father's lifelong commitment to righteousness. (2 Ki 23:37)
So if the parents are not to blame, do we then blame God? Has He broken some sort of promise to us? Of course not.
So then, where does fault belong? Squarely on the shoulders of the one who made the wrong choice!
God has made it clear throughout His Word that every individual is responsible for their own sin. Deuteronomy 24:16 says, “Fathers are not to be put to death for their children, and children are not to be put to death for their fathers; each person will be put to death for his own sin.” In the entirety of Ezekiel chapter 18, God painstakingly clarifies repeatedly that a child is not responsible for a parent’s sin, and a parent is not responsible for a child’s sin. God does not blame the parent for an adult child's choices.
Ezekiel 18
The person who sins is the one who will die. (verse 4 )
Suppose a righteous man has a violent child who has committed detestable acts, though the father has done none of these things. He will certainly die. His death will be his own fault. (verses 10-13)
4. Know that you did what God required of you. Trust Him to do the rest.
God’s Word instructs parents to equip children with the tools that will best enable them to make right choices. God expects parents to train their children in the knowledge of righteousness—to show them what it looks like, sounds like, and feels like to live in obedience with God’s will, as well as the pain and consequences of a life of disobedience (right vs. wrong). Ultimately, we will be measured as parents by whether we taught our children:
who God is
what He has done
what He requires
My children have been given just as much free will as I have; they must now make their own choices. Yes, I made plenty of mistakes in my parenting, but my children are certainly not confused about right and wrong. I am confident that my children are fully equipped to choose righteousness. Yes, they may be led astray by the evil influences of this world, but they have so far made the choice to remove themselves from the support of Christian community, which makes them much more vulnerable to false teaching and a secular worldview. But this is not because they don’t know better; they absolutely do! Sometimes this is clearly evidenced to me in their “defense” of their own bad choices when one of them says, “I know we may disagree, but...” And that confirms I did my job effectively, flaws and all.
And now I pray and trust God with the rest. After making very clear that parents are not responsible for the sins of their children, Ezekiel next offers a promise from the Lord of full restoration for wayward people who will repent and return.
Ezekiel 18
But if the wicked person turns from all the sins he has committed...he will certainly live; he will not die. None of the transgressions he has committed will be held against him...he will preserve his life. He will certainly live because he thought it over and turned from all the transgressions he had committed...Repent and turn from all your rebellious acts...and get yourselves a new heart and a new spirit...For I take no pleasure in anyone’s death...So repent and live!
Within these verses, I find both freedom and hope. I am free from the responsibility of my grown children’s choices and actions. They know what is right. We taught them, and intentionally brought other people into their lives who taught them. Now it is their decision to make. Will they “do what is evil in the sight of the Lord,” (2 Ki 23:37) or will they “think it over and turn from all their transgressions?” (Ezekiel 18:28) Only they can choose.
I know that our God is always there, always working, and He never gives up on our kids, even when we ourselves may be tempted to lose hope. He loved them before and more than we ever could. And so we pray like the persistent widow (Luke 18), and we will ever trust that His love leaves the ninety-nine and goes after the one. (Matthew 18:12, Luke 15:4)
-Nancy
Blog Post: Do you want your children to be perfect? Let them struggle.
Letting our children struggle is hard—even when they are adults. For almost two decades you hovered over them, cleared obstacles and erected safety nets to catch them. The “safety culture” demanded that our children wear body armor to ride a bike. We put tracker-apps on phones and argued with teachers over grades. Any hardship or injury was seen as a failure in parenting.
Letting our children struggle is hard—even when they are adults. For almost two decades you hovered over them, cleared obstacles and erected safety nets to catch them. The “safety culture” demanded that our children wear body armor to ride a bike. We put tracker-apps on phones and argued with teachers over grades. Any hardship or injury was seen as a failure in parenting.
Some habits are hard to break. Now we argue with admissions offices and professors. We pay parking tickets and overdraft charges. And some still have tracker-apps on their adult-child’s phone! That’s what we’re supposed to do, right?
If your child wants to be independent, they must begin to learn to avoid mistakes and bear the consequences of bad choices themselves. If you want your child to be independent, you must let them make the choices and let them endure the consequences.
The Bible speaks of three kinds of struggle that our children may face. They may endure persecution because of their faith in Jesus. If that is what is happening with your child, celebrate and give thanks. But for most, that’s not the likely cause of hardship. More likely, the struggle is caused by their sin or their foolishness. In either case, God promises to use the struggle for His good purpose. But we must get out of the way.
In Hebrews 12, we are reminded that God, like a father, disciplines those whom He loves who continue to struggle with sin. But, unlike the father who disciplined “as seems best to them”, God “disciplines for our good, so that we may share His holiness.” We are assured that “All discipline for the moment seems not to be joyful, but sorrowful; yet to those who have been trained by it, afterwards it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness.” Hebrews 12:4-11
The Apostle James talks about the trials that occur because we lack wisdom and are double-minded. These trials result in struggle that develops endurance. We are admonished to “let endurance have its perfect result, so that you will be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing.” James 1:2-4
Who doesn’t want their child to be holy or perfect?
So what are we to do? How can we get out of the way to “let” God do what we can’t?
Establish clear financial parameters that do not include “bail out” for poor financial decisions. This does not mean we don’t help with unexpected, unavoidable expenses. Nor does this mean that we don’t bless our children with appropriate gifts. But, in order for them to learn financial management, they have to make financial mistakes and bear financial consequences.
Stop managing their relationships. Whether in the context of romantic, sibling, or authority scenarios, let them fight their own battles and resolve their own conflicts. Teach principles, be a shoulder to cry on, then send them back out—on their own.
Stop stalking your children. Whether its the tracker apps or social media, let go of knowing everything. It will give you peace of mind and communicate that you are respecting the agency of your children to make decisions.
Perhaps you’re still trying to hover, clear and catch. Its time to stop and let God do His good work in your child.
Blog Post: "Are We There Yet?"
How many times were you asked that question as you traveled with the family, whether on Summer vacation, or for the holiday gatherings? “Not quite” or “Almost” never seemed to satisfy.
Do you find yourself asking that question with respect to your role as a parent? “Are we done yet?” In God’s Wisdom, the answer is “no”—and that’s a good thing!
How many times were you asked that question as you traveled with the family, whether on Summer vacation, or for the holiday gatherings? “Not quite” or “Almost” never seemed to satisfy.
Do you find yourself asking that question with respect to your role as a parent? “Are we done yet?” In God’s Wisdom, the answer is “no”—and that’s a good thing!
Parenting begins with the birth of your first child. During your lifetime, your role changes from Steward to Advisor. But even after death, you continue in a parenting role—but then as Ancestor. You will exercise that role through Legacy. Legacy is not a legal estate that you hand to your children through your Last Will and Testament. Rather, it is given to them over the course of your life. Legacy is the sum total of all that you were in life and all that you taught them.
God expects parents to ensure that the generations know Him.
In Exodus through Deuteronomy, God directs parents to fulfill this purpose by teaching future generations.
Who God is — His character and attributes
What God has done — His providence and mercy
What God requires of us — His righteousness
This work happens both in life and through Legacy. Listen to the psalmist:
I will sing a song that imparts wisdom; I will make insightful observations about the past. What we have heard and learned - that which our ancestors have told us - we will not hide from their descendants. We will tell the next generation about the LORD's praiseworthy acts, about his strength and the amazing things he has done. He established a rule in Jacob; he set up a law in Israel. He commanded our ancestors to make his deeds known to their descendants, so that the next generation, children yet to be born, might know about them. They will grow up and tell their descendants about them. Then they will place their confidence in God. They will not forget the works of God, and they will obey his commands. Then they will not be like their ancestors, who were a stubborn and rebellious generation, a generation that was not committed and faithful to God. Psalm 78:2-8 (NET)
This should encourage you and give you hope. You may be tired. You may feel you have done enough. But, you’re not done yet. There is still time for you to have an impact on your children, your grandchildren and many generations to follow.
It is never too late to “tell the next generation about the LORD's praiseworthy acts, about his strength and the amazing things he has done.” You can still leave a legacy that matters to your children and for generations to come.
Blog Post: "So How Are The Kids?"
“So how are the kids?” In many ways, I’ve come to dread certain gatherings out of fear of this question. Truth be told, there may even be encounters that I avoid so that I don’t have to answer this question. Yes, it’s well meaning. But, how do I answer it in a moment?
In most cases, this is just another form of the ageless greeting: “How are you doing?” Generally, I’m fine simply returning that greeting with, “Great! How are you?” But when the question involves the status of my kids, the white-lie of the socially acceptable response doesn’t relax the emotional trigger that just occurred. Why is that?
“So how are the kids?” In many ways, I’ve come to dread certain gatherings out of fear of this question. Truth be told, there may even be encounters that I avoid so that I don’t have to answer this question. Yes, it’s well meaning. But, how do I answer it in a moment?
In most cases, this is just another form of the ageless greeting: “How are you doing?” Generally, I’m fine simply returning that greeting with, “Great! How are you?” But when the question involves the status of my kids, the white-lie of the socially acceptable response doesn’t relax the emotional trigger that just occurred. Why is that?
Ultimately, the explanation for my reaction in the moment is usually pride. Not pride in my children, but protection of my own pride. This response may have a couple different causes. One is the desire to conform to the image of the “Instagram Family.” The ubiquity of social media, with its endless parade of accomplishment and happiness, has created a false expectation of what the healthy, normal family looks like. And church families may be the most-frequent offenders in perpetuating this myth. Any blemish or imperfection cannot be revealed. So when the question comes—How are the kids?—our pride immediately requires us to paint the picture of success.
The protection of our pride is also related to our identity. Too often we tie our sense of self and self-worth to the behaviors and outcomes that our children have chosen. To admit that our children are flawed or are making bad decisions is to admit that we are flawed. Even worse, we may see it an indication of our own failure. This identity connection can range from simple empathy to full co-dependence. This is why the simple question can trigger a powerful emotional reaction.
I am not suggesting that we break with the social norm by sharing the struggles of our children every time someone asks. Usually they don’t really care—it’s just a greeting. But we should consider why we answer the way we do. If we are simply engaging in small talk—no problem. No reason to bare your soul. But if we are protecting our image or our identity, we need to consider the heart of the matter. Is this a matter of pride that needs to be confessed and addressed?
Book Review: Empty Nest, What’s Next?: Parenting Adult Children Without Losing Your Mind by Michele Howe
Parenting emerging adult children brings about a host of challenges, internally and externally. When our children grow up and leave home, it introduces the void (or opportunity) of an empty nest, an altered state of our marriage, and new relationship dynamics with our kids. The practical and emotional impact of these changes is wide-ranging. In this book, author Michele Howe provides helpful perspective and advice on multiple facets of this phase of life and parenting.
Parenting emerging adult children brings about a host of challenges, internally and externally. When our children grow up and leave home, it introduces the void (or opportunity) of an empty nest, an altered state of our marriage, and new relationship dynamics with our kids. The practical and emotional impact of these changes is wide-ranging. In this book, author Michele Howe provides helpful perspective and advice on multiple facets of this phase of life and parenting.
This book is written in 30 short chapters, each of which includes an anecdotal experience, practical advice, Biblical insight and a short prayer. One option is to read one chapter per day over a one-month period as a type of daily devotional. Each chapter can be read and considered in just a few minutes, but offers enough substance to continue in your thoughts throughout the day.
Chapters two, four and six were both humbling and helpful to me. As an enneagram “type 2,” I want to solve problems, meet needs, ably assist. Now that my children have left my home and are “on their own,” my role as helper-in-chief is done. Howe shares that her daily prayer is “God, make up the difference.” This idea is explained in the context of acknowledging the mistakes we made as parents. It encourages us ask to God to straighten out what we may have messed up. But, while I have become poignantly aware of this need now, Howe points out that God has always been “making up the difference.”
On the hopeful side, Howe reminds us that the impact of our years of pouring wisdom into our children has not yet seen its full fruit. She explains that they are now having to work out for themselves what took us years to learn. She warns us not to deprive them of this experience by jumping in to control them or to mitigate the consequences. Ultimately, being aware that adult children make adult-sized mistakes requires that we daily surrender control to the Heavenly Father, who will continue to parent far better than we ever could.
Book Review: Empty Nest, Full Life - Discovering God’s Best for Your Next by Jill Savage
Author Jill Savage offers a guide through the emotional chaos that confronts parents when their children leave home, leaving them with a sense of loss and confusion. This dynamic is especially potent for women who have spent most of the prior 25 years dedicated to raising children. For the primary caregiver, their personal goals, dreams and desires have been put on hold for the sake of the family. Now that the kids are gone, they are left asking, “Now What?” “Who am I?” “What do I do?”
Author Jill Savage offers a guide through the emotional chaos that confronts parents when their children leave home, leaving them with a sense of loss and confusion. This dynamic is especially potent for women who have spent most of the prior 25 years dedicated to raising children. For the primary caregiver, their personal goals, dreams and desires have been put on hold for the sake of the family. Now that the kids are gone, they are left asking, “Now What?” “Who am I?” “What do I do?”
Although this book is written primarily from the perspective of a female caregiver, it offers great insight and encouragement to both parents. The content is built on the structure of “Let go; Take hold.” Savage exposes the thought patterns, expectations, and relationships that were present as our children were growing up that must now be released in order to move forward. She then points toward a beautiful future full of new relationships, meaning and purpose.
Savage offers practical suggestions for how to evaluate your current emotional state and to let go of the hinderances. She also offers advice on the work that may be required in the marriage in this new phase. Finally, the author gives tips for finding and pursuing opportunities that bring joy and fulfillment in this phase. Savage highlights the “Ministry of Availability” as one of the great joys that she has found—giving her the ability to serve the practical needs of others by simply being available to help them.
The book includes devotional reflection and questions for deeper reflection. There is also a companion Journal intended to “help you slow down, reflect and record your thoughts as you work through the book.”
Book Review: Doing Life with Your Adult Children - Keep Your Mouth Shut & the Welcome Mat Out by Jim Burns.
If you thought the teenage years were tough, parenting emerging adults is tricky. None of the tools that were available to you when your children were at home are effective now that they have the ability to leave. Parenting adult children requires a whole new basis for the relationship and method of engagement. In some cases, your children are expressing their new independence in ways that are disappointing. In other cases, your children are not moving into independence as quickly or thoroughly as you would like. Perhaps one child fits in both categories!
If you thought the teenage years were tough, parenting emerging adults is tricky. None of the tools that were available to you when your children were at home are effective now that they have the ability to leave. Parenting adult children requires a whole new basis for the relationship and method of engagement. In some cases, your children are expressing their new independence in ways that are disappointing. In other cases, your children are not moving into independence as quickly or thoroughly as you would like. Perhaps one child fits in both categories!
In this book, Jim Burns gives practical advice for navigating these difficult waters. The title of the book is, in many ways, a great summary of our new role—and that is where the author starts. We are encouraged to recognize that, although the goal of our parenting—to raise godly children—has not changed, our ‘job description” has changed dramatically. Burns offers specific instruction on how to maintain access to the heart of your adult child so that you will maintain influence through a loving relationship.
Burns offers hope for parents whose children have not taken responsibility for their lives, continue to depend on their parents, or fail to reflect the parents’ values. Sociologist and Developmental Psychologists have begun to identify and define a new stage in the progression from teenager to fully independent adult as “emerging adulthood.” Many define this as the stage between 18 and 25 years old. During this stage, children are still learning the life skills for independent living, exploring their own purpose and direction, and making choices about their identity. As their parents, we want to move them through this quickly. Our tendency is to react with a mix of emotionally charged responses: control, guilt, directives, enabling, sheltering, ultimatums, etc. Burns provides perspective and practical steps for guiding our children through this phase.
Importantly, Burns points us to a future day when our family expands to include our children’s spouses (and their parents) and grandchildren. On this point, Burns encourages us to ask this question before speaking to family concerns: “Will what I am about to say or do improve the relationship?” He then offers 5 tips to navigate the in-law relationship. Burns also reminds us that the role of a grandparent is vastly different than of a parent, and to respect the boundary.
In the Afterword, Burns makes several observations and suggestions that dovetail with the PhaseNEXT approach:
Develop a well-thought-out plan
Parent in a community, not on an island
Practice the principles of the book, but realize that life is messy
Trust that God is on your side.