Blog Post: It's Not Your Fault
Separating myself from responsibility for the choices of my adult children has been a challenge. When they sin, my first reaction has been to question: “What did I do wrong?” and “How did we end up here?” And if I am not to blame, should I blame God? But no, that doesn’t seem right either.
Our adult children have made plenty of mistakes. Some from simple immaturity or lack of life experience—the kind of problems that we will all laugh about someday. But they have also made some seriously bad relationship and moral choices, some of which will probably have long-term or even lifelong consequences—the kind of problems that we hoped and prayed they would avoid.
Our initial response to morally poor decisions was shock, disappointment, and deep grief. I have always struggled with self-blame when things go sideways, so I was quick to blame myself. Rett and I have been angry with ourselves, with God, and with our children. We have cried and prayed and processed. And through the heartbreak, I have realized that the first step towards a thriving life of relational peace—with God and with my children—is to make peace with myself.
1) Acknowledge that you made some mistakes.
The question isn’t, “What did I do wrong?” but, “Did my mistakes result in their bad choices?”
When our universe was turned upside-down by calls and texts no parent wants to receive, I needed to take some time to conduct an honest assessment of our child-rearing and answer my nagging doubts. This process was not a straight line by any means, but it boils down to this...
Did we make mistakes? Yes.
Did our sin affect our children? Yes.
Should we have done things differently? Yes.
I would venture a guess that most of you would answer these questions the same way. None of us think we were the perfect parent. And if you and I could start over in parenting with the wisdom we have now at age 50-ish, we would eliminate some of our mistakes (and no doubt make others!).
2. Remember that parenting is a faith journey, not a formula.
As young first-time parents, we purposed to raise our children to love and follow Jesus. We read all the books and took all the classes. But along the way, we accepted a lie. I believe it was an unintentional lie, but in our desire for control, we were eager to trust it.
The modern American Christian community made an unrealistic promise to parents. It goes something like this: if you raise your kids exactly as we say, applying all you learn in sermons, Sunday School, Christian radio, podcasts—and don’t forget all those Christian books—then your child will turn out just as you had hoped—loving God, making a good living, and making mostly good decisions. If, however, you make one mistake, the promise is null and void. You will have failed as a parent.”
from "Love no Matter What" by Brenda Garrison
We bought in to the “promise” that there is some sort of formula that guarantees a certain result—if we plug x into y, we will get z. So we set out to do all the things. But we also understood that we were flawed and ignorant, and we knew we would inevitably make mistakes. So we sincerely prayed for wisdom and guidance.
Did we ask and trust God to cover our parenting shortfalls with His grace? Yes.
And this is where real faith begins. If parenting is a formula, it does not involve real faith, and grace is unnecessary. A formula relies only on our own strength, our own effort. It presumes that we are sovereign. It’s all about control anyway, right? We believed we could control the outcome of our parenting; that we could produce little moral clones of ourselves. But parenting is not a science experiment where we can control all the variables. We don’t even have control over ourselves, much less our children!
3. Understand that your adult children are distinct moral agents.
God gave us free will so that love for Him would be our choice. That design offers great blessing, but also grave consequences. This is demonstrated in Scripture, often in the parent-child context.
Consider Genesis 3: Our Creator was the perfect parent who provided the perfect environment with the perfect relationship in perfect love. But His children failed. They disobeyed the single moral command He gave them.
Consider also King Hezekiah, who was one of the greatest king of Judah. Throughout his reign, he “remained faithful to the Lord and did not turn from following Him.” (2 Ki 18:5-6)
But great King Hezekiah’s son, King Manasseh, was an evil king and did not follow his father’s example at all. He reversed all the good religious reforms of King Hezekiah, and even sacrificed his own son to other gods! (2 Ki 21:2-6)
King Manasseh eventually “sought the favor of the Lord his God and earnestly humbled himself before the God of his ancestors.” And the Lord was gracious to forgive him. (2 Chron 33:12-13)
However, despite King Manasseh’s authentic repentance, his son, King Amon, was evil and “abandoned the Lord God.” (2 Ki 21:19-22)
And yet despite King Amon’s wickedness, his son, King Josiah, was arguably the greatest king of Judah. He wholeheartedly loved the Lord. When he found the lost Book of the Law, he was distraught at discovering the sin of his people. He publicly renewed the nation’s covenant with the Lord, observed Passover for the first time in generations, and made religious reforms throughout the entire kingdom. (2 Ki 22:2)
But then, without any explanation from Scripture, great King Josiah’s son, King Jehoiakim, “did what was evil in the Lord’s sight,” despite his father's lifelong commitment to righteousness. (2 Ki 23:37)
So if the parents are not to blame, do we then blame God? Has He broken some sort of promise to us? Of course not.
So then, where does fault belong? Squarely on the shoulders of the one who made the wrong choice!
God has made it clear throughout His Word that every individual is responsible for their own sin. Deuteronomy 24:16 says, “Fathers are not to be put to death for their children, and children are not to be put to death for their fathers; each person will be put to death for his own sin.” In the entirety of Ezekiel chapter 18, God painstakingly clarifies repeatedly that a child is not responsible for a parent’s sin, and a parent is not responsible for a child’s sin. God does not blame the parent for an adult child's choices.
Ezekiel 18
The person who sins is the one who will die. (verse 4 )
Suppose a righteous man has a violent child who has committed detestable acts, though the father has done none of these things. He will certainly die. His death will be his own fault. (verses 10-13)
4. Know that you did what God required of you. Trust Him to do the rest.
God’s Word instructs parents to equip children with the tools that will best enable them to make right choices. God expects parents to train their children in the knowledge of righteousness—to show them what it looks like, sounds like, and feels like to live in obedience with God’s will, as well as the pain and consequences of a life of disobedience (right vs. wrong). Ultimately, we will be measured as parents by whether we taught our children:
who God is
what He has done
what He requires
My children have been given just as much free will as I have; they must now make their own choices. Yes, I made plenty of mistakes in my parenting, but my children are certainly not confused about right and wrong. I am confident that my children are fully equipped to choose righteousness. Yes, they may be led astray by the evil influences of this world, but they have so far made the choice to remove themselves from the support of Christian community, which makes them much more vulnerable to false teaching and a secular worldview. But this is not because they don’t know better; they absolutely do! Sometimes this is clearly evidenced to me in their “defense” of their own bad choices when one of them says, “I know we may disagree, but...” And that confirms I did my job effectively, flaws and all.
And now I pray and trust God with the rest. After making very clear that parents are not responsible for the sins of their children, Ezekiel next offers a promise from the Lord of full restoration for wayward people who will repent and return.
Ezekiel 18
But if the wicked person turns from all the sins he has committed...he will certainly live; he will not die. None of the transgressions he has committed will be held against him...he will preserve his life. He will certainly live because he thought it over and turned from all the transgressions he had committed...Repent and turn from all your rebellious acts...and get yourselves a new heart and a new spirit...For I take no pleasure in anyone’s death...So repent and live!
Within these verses, I find both freedom and hope. I am free from the responsibility of my grown children’s choices and actions. They know what is right. We taught them, and intentionally brought other people into their lives who taught them. Now it is their decision to make. Will they “do what is evil in the sight of the Lord,” (2 Ki 23:37) or will they “think it over and turn from all their transgressions?” (Ezekiel 18:28) Only they can choose.
I know that our God is always there, always working, and He never gives up on our kids, even when we ourselves may be tempted to lose hope. He loved them before and more than we ever could. And so we pray like the persistent widow (Luke 18), and we will ever trust that His love leaves the ninety-nine and goes after the one. (Matthew 18:12, Luke 15:4)
-Nancy