Blog Post: It's Not Your Fault
Separating myself from responsibility for the choices of my adult children has been a challenge. When they sin, my first reaction has been to question: “What did I do wrong?” and “How did we end up here?” And if I am not to blame, should I blame God? But no, that doesn’t seem right either.
Separating myself from responsibility for the choices of my adult children has been a challenge. When they sin, my first reaction has been to question: “What did I do wrong?” and “How did we end up here?” And if I am not to blame, should I blame God? But no, that doesn’t seem right either.
Our adult children have made plenty of mistakes. Some from simple immaturity or lack of life experience—the kind of problems that we will all laugh about someday. But they have also made some seriously bad relationship and moral choices, some of which will probably have long-term or even lifelong consequences—the kind of problems that we hoped and prayed they would avoid.
Our initial response to morally poor decisions was shock, disappointment, and deep grief. I have always struggled with self-blame when things go sideways, so I was quick to blame myself. Rett and I have been angry with ourselves, with God, and with our children. We have cried and prayed and processed. And through the heartbreak, I have realized that the first step towards a thriving life of relational peace—with God and with my children—is to make peace with myself.
1) Acknowledge that you made some mistakes.
The question isn’t, “What did I do wrong?” but, “Did my mistakes result in their bad choices?”
When our universe was turned upside-down by calls and texts no parent wants to receive, I needed to take some time to conduct an honest assessment of our child-rearing and answer my nagging doubts. This process was not a straight line by any means, but it boils down to this...
Did we make mistakes? Yes.
Did our sin affect our children? Yes.
Should we have done things differently? Yes.
I would venture a guess that most of you would answer these questions the same way. None of us think we were the perfect parent. And if you and I could start over in parenting with the wisdom we have now at age 50-ish, we would eliminate some of our mistakes (and no doubt make others!).
2. Remember that parenting is a faith journey, not a formula.
As young first-time parents, we purposed to raise our children to love and follow Jesus. We read all the books and took all the classes. But along the way, we accepted a lie. I believe it was an unintentional lie, but in our desire for control, we were eager to trust it.
The modern American Christian community made an unrealistic promise to parents. It goes something like this: if you raise your kids exactly as we say, applying all you learn in sermons, Sunday School, Christian radio, podcasts—and don’t forget all those Christian books—then your child will turn out just as you had hoped—loving God, making a good living, and making mostly good decisions. If, however, you make one mistake, the promise is null and void. You will have failed as a parent.”
from "Love no Matter What" by Brenda Garrison
We bought in to the “promise” that there is some sort of formula that guarantees a certain result—if we plug x into y, we will get z. So we set out to do all the things. But we also understood that we were flawed and ignorant, and we knew we would inevitably make mistakes. So we sincerely prayed for wisdom and guidance.
Did we ask and trust God to cover our parenting shortfalls with His grace? Yes.
And this is where real faith begins. If parenting is a formula, it does not involve real faith, and grace is unnecessary. A formula relies only on our own strength, our own effort. It presumes that we are sovereign. It’s all about control anyway, right? We believed we could control the outcome of our parenting; that we could produce little moral clones of ourselves. But parenting is not a science experiment where we can control all the variables. We don’t even have control over ourselves, much less our children!
3. Understand that your adult children are distinct moral agents.
God gave us free will so that love for Him would be our choice. That design offers great blessing, but also grave consequences. This is demonstrated in Scripture, often in the parent-child context.
Consider Genesis 3: Our Creator was the perfect parent who provided the perfect environment with the perfect relationship in perfect love. But His children failed. They disobeyed the single moral command He gave them.
Consider also King Hezekiah, who was one of the greatest king of Judah. Throughout his reign, he “remained faithful to the Lord and did not turn from following Him.” (2 Ki 18:5-6)
But great King Hezekiah’s son, King Manasseh, was an evil king and did not follow his father’s example at all. He reversed all the good religious reforms of King Hezekiah, and even sacrificed his own son to other gods! (2 Ki 21:2-6)
King Manasseh eventually “sought the favor of the Lord his God and earnestly humbled himself before the God of his ancestors.” And the Lord was gracious to forgive him. (2 Chron 33:12-13)
However, despite King Manasseh’s authentic repentance, his son, King Amon, was evil and “abandoned the Lord God.” (2 Ki 21:19-22)
And yet despite King Amon’s wickedness, his son, King Josiah, was arguably the greatest king of Judah. He wholeheartedly loved the Lord. When he found the lost Book of the Law, he was distraught at discovering the sin of his people. He publicly renewed the nation’s covenant with the Lord, observed Passover for the first time in generations, and made religious reforms throughout the entire kingdom. (2 Ki 22:2)
But then, without any explanation from Scripture, great King Josiah’s son, King Jehoiakim, “did what was evil in the Lord’s sight,” despite his father's lifelong commitment to righteousness. (2 Ki 23:37)
So if the parents are not to blame, do we then blame God? Has He broken some sort of promise to us? Of course not.
So then, where does fault belong? Squarely on the shoulders of the one who made the wrong choice!
God has made it clear throughout His Word that every individual is responsible for their own sin. Deuteronomy 24:16 says, “Fathers are not to be put to death for their children, and children are not to be put to death for their fathers; each person will be put to death for his own sin.” In the entirety of Ezekiel chapter 18, God painstakingly clarifies repeatedly that a child is not responsible for a parent’s sin, and a parent is not responsible for a child’s sin. God does not blame the parent for an adult child's choices.
Ezekiel 18
The person who sins is the one who will die. (verse 4 )
Suppose a righteous man has a violent child who has committed detestable acts, though the father has done none of these things. He will certainly die. His death will be his own fault. (verses 10-13)
4. Know that you did what God required of you. Trust Him to do the rest.
God’s Word instructs parents to equip children with the tools that will best enable them to make right choices. God expects parents to train their children in the knowledge of righteousness—to show them what it looks like, sounds like, and feels like to live in obedience with God’s will, as well as the pain and consequences of a life of disobedience (right vs. wrong). Ultimately, we will be measured as parents by whether we taught our children:
who God is
what He has done
what He requires
My children have been given just as much free will as I have; they must now make their own choices. Yes, I made plenty of mistakes in my parenting, but my children are certainly not confused about right and wrong. I am confident that my children are fully equipped to choose righteousness. Yes, they may be led astray by the evil influences of this world, but they have so far made the choice to remove themselves from the support of Christian community, which makes them much more vulnerable to false teaching and a secular worldview. But this is not because they don’t know better; they absolutely do! Sometimes this is clearly evidenced to me in their “defense” of their own bad choices when one of them says, “I know we may disagree, but...” And that confirms I did my job effectively, flaws and all.
And now I pray and trust God with the rest. After making very clear that parents are not responsible for the sins of their children, Ezekiel next offers a promise from the Lord of full restoration for wayward people who will repent and return.
Ezekiel 18
But if the wicked person turns from all the sins he has committed...he will certainly live; he will not die. None of the transgressions he has committed will be held against him...he will preserve his life. He will certainly live because he thought it over and turned from all the transgressions he had committed...Repent and turn from all your rebellious acts...and get yourselves a new heart and a new spirit...For I take no pleasure in anyone’s death...So repent and live!
Within these verses, I find both freedom and hope. I am free from the responsibility of my grown children’s choices and actions. They know what is right. We taught them, and intentionally brought other people into their lives who taught them. Now it is their decision to make. Will they “do what is evil in the sight of the Lord,” (2 Ki 23:37) or will they “think it over and turn from all their transgressions?” (Ezekiel 18:28) Only they can choose.
I know that our God is always there, always working, and He never gives up on our kids, even when we ourselves may be tempted to lose hope. He loved them before and more than we ever could. And so we pray like the persistent widow (Luke 18), and we will ever trust that His love leaves the ninety-nine and goes after the one. (Matthew 18:12, Luke 15:4)
-Nancy
Blog Post: "Thou Shalt Not Covet"
If I’m honest, I must confess that I often covet what John has. Not his material possessions, but his gifting, opportunities, and influence. I’ve often overheard myself saying “If only I had that position, or that platform, I could do so much.” I’ve found myself praying: “God, if you let me do that, I will do great things for your Kingdom.”
If I’m honest, I must confess that I often covet what John has. Not his material possessions, but his gifting, opportunities, and influence. I’ve often overheard myself saying “If only I had that position, or that platform, I could do so much.” I’ve found myself praying: “God, if you let me do that, I will do great things for your Kingdom.”
John is not a specific person, but he has been several specific people over the years. John is the guy doing what I wish I was doing, with the relationships I wish I had, with the platform of influence that I could use so well. John has been both inspiration and nemesis. He has both elevated and restricted my aspirations.
Coveting John’s position, role or platform can be a major hinderance in seeking our purpose as we recalibrate at midlife. Wanting to do what John is doing can prevent us from doing what God wants us to do.
Several years ago, I was confronted with a sequence of verses that forced me to examine my heart and to root out my covetous tendency.
“For we are His workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God has prepared beforehand so that we would walk in them.” Ephesians 2:10
“Therefore I, the prisoner of the Lord, implore you to walk in a manner worthy of the calling with which you have been called.” Ephesians 4:1
“Pay careful attention to your own work, for then you will get the satisfaction of a job well done, and you won’t need to compare yourself to anyone else. For we are each responsible for our own conduct.” Galatians 6;4-5 (NLT)
Three truths are confirmed in these verses:
1) God has a work that is intended specifically for me. Likewise, God has specific work for others to do.
2) I must pursue my work as an act of obedience, stewardship and worship.
3) I will be evaluated by my faithfulness to my work, not in comparison to the work others are called to do.
What may seem obvious became a radical game-changer.
First, it changed my prayers. No longer would I pray, “God, give me John’s calling so that I can do the amazing type of work that he is doing.” My prayer is “God, show me what you intend for me to do and help me do it.”
Second, it changed my relationship to John. I no longer feel the need to compete with John or to diminish or critique him to increase myself. I can celebrate John and what God is doing through John.
Third, it gave me freedom to explore all the possibilities of God’s calling. I found that surrendering my agenda opened up horizons as immense as God’s perspective. My aspiration was no longer limited to my version of John, but expanded to God’s version of me.
Here are some steps you can take to release the covetous spirit that threatens to limit your pursuit of your purpose.
1) Examine your heart. Is there a John in your life? How do you feel when you see John do what John does? What do you say to God (or others) about John?
2) Confess this to God. Ask God to expand your vision beyond John to see what He is doing in the world and how you might be part of it. Ask God to help you to walk in what He has called you to do.
3) Seek God’s work for you. Yes, that is a whole book’s worth of process-but get started. Find a book or a coach that can help you. There is process that can help you identify and walk in God’s specific work for you. Check out our Reference List HERE. Make the commitment to an intentional season of searching.
4) Take a first step. God wants your obedience first, then He can reveal His purpose. Teddy Roosevelt and Arthur Ashe are credited with this idea: “Start where you are. Use what you have. Do what you can.” You don’t have to know everything to do something. You don’t have to know the finish line to get out of the starting blocks. Look around and do what is in front of you today.
Midlife is a great time to seek God’s purpose for you in this new season. The possibilities are as immense and wonderful as the God we serve. Don’t let John block you from this future.
Blog Post: Reversing the Effects of Distraction in Midlife Marriage
For years, your children created a distraction from your marriage relationship. Even if you were thoughtful to avoid becoming child-centered, the distraction was inevitable. Raising children requires most of your attention, both functionally and relationally.
While you were distracted, two barriers to intimacy may have developed.
For years, your children created a distraction from your marriage relationship. Even if you were thoughtful to avoid becoming child-centered, the distraction was inevitable. Raising children requires most of your attention, both functionally and relationally.
While you were distracted, two barriers to intimacy may have developed.
First, both you and your spouse changed. It is likely that you did not change at the same pace or in the same direction, but you both changed. When the distraction is removed, you may look at your spouse and wonder who you are married to.
Second, unresolved issues have gotten buried. For some couples, problems in the relationship were known and intentionally ignored. They may have even contemplated divorce, but stayed together “for the sake of the children.” For other couples, the distraction may have prevented them from even being aware as the injuries piled up. Now the small wounds have festered and become gangrenous. Others were aware of the problems, but believed that they would resolve themselves or could be dealt with later. They were simply too busy.
Once the distraction of parenting is gone, there is a temptation to fill the void with more distraction—golf, career, social activities. But this is the time to turn your full attention back to the first relationship—your marriage.
The antidote to being distracted is to be attentive. The Oxford dictionary defines attentive as “paying close attention to something.” The second definition is more instructive for midlife marriage: “assiduously attending to the comfort or wishes of others.”
What could happen in your marriage if you paid “close attention” to your spouse and “assiduously attended” to his or her comfort and wishes? The idea of paying attention to others is found in scripture for marriages and other relationships.
Do nothing out of selfish ambition or conceit, but in humility consider others as more important than yourselves. Everyone should look out not only for his own interests, but rather to the interests of others. Philippians 2:3-4
To sum up, each one of you is to love his wife as himself, and the wife is to respect her husband. Ephesians 5:33
Wives submit to your own husbands. . . Husbands live with your wives in an understanding way. 1 Peter 3:1-7
While distraction is passive, being attentive to your spouse requires active, intentional effort. You didn’t intend to build barriers to intimacy, they just happened. You didn’t recognize the changes that were occurring in your spouse because you were distracted—not paying attention. Injuries piled up because you were distracted, you didn’t deal with them, you didn’t assiduously attend to your spouse’s needs.
Here are three things you can do to be attentive to your spouse and restore the intimacy of midlife marriage.
1) Be curious.
In the distraction, things changed. Don’t assume you know how your spouse feels, what they want, what they think. In the phase of parenting children, each spouse has served a role that may not reflect their natural gifting or passion. The person you married may have been in hiding all this time. Also, the challenges of raising children has chiseled and molded the person you knew 20 years ago into a very different person.
To be attentive, you need to understand your spouse. Ask questions to understand deeply, not to test or interrogate. Like a newlywed would, ask about interests, likes and dislikes, dreams, hopes and fears. Take a genuine interest and get to know each other again, as for the first time.
2) Be safe.
In the distraction, it is likely that you developed bad patterns of communication. To avoid dealing with problems, you may have become dismissive or judgmental of each other’s concerns or feelings. Evaluate for yourself: How do I respond when my spouse shares their fears, dreams, ideas, or opinions?
To be attentive, you must be open and available. You must allow your spouse to be vulnerable by listening to the expressions of the heart without offering judgment or solution. Aggressively avoid criticism and hurry. Carefully guard the confidences and tenderness that are shared with you. Show that you will defend them from all who would do harm—even if that’s you.
(For some couples, the infected wounds of the past may require professional attention. A trained counselor can help create a safe environment for these much-needed conversations.)
3) Be responsive.
In the distraction, you may have lost sight of the needs of your spouse. Your focus was on the needs of the children, the household, and the family. You had to ration your care and attention to that which seemed most urgent. It’s also likely that your spouse suppressed their own needs in deference to the needs of others in the family.
To be attentive, you will need to offer and observe. Your spouse may not be in the habit of making their needs known. You need to ask. When they answer, you should respond on their terms—not how you see fit. But to be “assiduously attentive” you need to observe and study your spouse so that you can begin to anticipate their need. Like the waiter who refills your water glass, endeavor to meet needs before a request is made.
Intimacy is the essence of a thriving marriage. Good news! By overcoming distraction and being attentive to your spouse, you can recover intimacy in your midlife marriage.
Story: Things We’ve Learned By Experience With Our Parents (Henry & Celia D.)
Over the last 34 years, Celia and I have had the blessed, but difficult, experience of caring for aging and dying parents. Here are some things we learned that we hope will make your journey a blessing for you and your family.
Over the last 34 years, Celia and I have had the blessed, but difficult, experience of caring for aging and dying parents. Here are some things we learned that we hope will make your journey a blessing for you and your family.
1. Caring for the elderly requires a sense of humor.
As memory and cognitive ability begin to fade, funny things happen. Like the time Mom yelled out “Help!!” while lying on a stretcher in her cubicle in the Emergency Room. I had stepped outside the curtain for a moment, and she cried out. It was just an interesting moment, as Mom didn’t really need anything, and the ER staff were providing the appropriate amount of care for her. She told me she just didn’t want to be alone. You can’t dream up this kind of thing!
As memory fades, they may lose track of the passage of time. I recall Mom telling me with great excitement about a movie she had just seen. When I asked her the name of the movie, she said she had no idea!
Learn to laugh on these occasions. Bring joy and understanding to your parent as they relive important experiences from the past or create new ones. These stories will also be repeated, and if you didn’t pay attention to the stories the first time, you’ll probably get to hear them many times again.
2. Take a little extra time to talk.
Our elderly parents need to feel valued. Sometimes that simply requires taking the time to listen or ask questions. One time, a dear lady in a retirement home was distraught because she had lost something important to her. She asked me to sit down and listen to her. It seemed that she really wasn’t interested in searching for the item, but just wanted me to listen to her. After a few minutes of talking, she was satisfied, thanked me, and walked away.
Ask questions to see how they are doing. Ask about how they are spending their time, what they like to do, what colors they enjoy, what books they like, what they like to eat, what music they like to listen to and who their friends are. Questions like these demonstrate interest and help our aging parents feel heard and that we care for them.
Here are some things Celia and I found especially helpful with our parents:
• A regular lunch date with my Dad and coffee date with my father-in-law; the same for Celia and me with our mothers
• Celebrating special events with our parents, always trying to include as many grandchildren as possible.
• Taking them to see beautiful spots, like driving Celia’s mom to the top of Paris Mountain here in the Greenville area or taking our parents to the beach.
• Lunch trips to a drive-through with mom and eating in the car; She looked with wonder at a gorgeous tree outside the Chick-Fil-A and commented on how beautiful it was.
• Provide experiences like baseball games, movies, concerts; the last time I took our father-in-law to a movie, he fell asleep several times and I nudged him awake each time. Remember to laugh!!
• Review their personal Bibles and talk about their notes and highlighted passages. I still use my Dad’s Bible each time I perform a wedding.
• Read their personal journals to them.
• Help them record their family stories with photo albums or recorded interviews and take time to look at them and hear them.
• Talk about the things they want to discuss, especially their memories.
3. Help parents make good choices about living facilities.
Having an initial conversation about moving into a more supportive environment can be difficult for you and your parents. When you do, take the time to evaluate all of the options that might be available based on their financial situation, their personal preferences, and the ability of family and friends to assist with needs. Be sure to engage with your parents’ financial professionals to request their advice and assistance in the decision-making process.
When looking at specific facilities, it’s important to personally visit the facility. We encourage you to tour the living accommodations, dining room, grounds, and community amenities. Talk with the staff and family members of other residents to ensure that there is good alignment with your and your parents’ values and expectations. Be patient during this process, as parents will probably not follow our own internal timeline.
As the time to move out of the family home approaches, allow enough time and include other family members. We found it very helpful to start the process of reducing their home’s contents well before the actual move-out date. As it’s possible, we encourage you to engage your siblings in deciding where various items go. This can be an emotional process for everyone, but the distribution of as many of the contents as possible is a definite gift for the children of aging parents.
4. Toward the end of life, your presence is important.
The window of time at the end-of-life can be emotionally challenging, leading some to stay away from parents as they decline. But your physical presence at this stage is critical. From a practical standpoint, you will need to be able to interact with the health-care providers, as well as knowing your parents’ schedules and talking to them personally about what is going on. When you are not able to be there, it is good to arrange for other friends or family members to visit and engage with your parents.
There are several things you can do to be a blessing to your dying parents and the rest of the family. Reading Scripture, praying and singing favorite hymns is always a blessing. Tell stories with pictures and momentos from their past and encourage others who may also be hurting to participate in this process.
We found these to be helpful strategies for honoring our aging parents. But this also requires personal changes ourselves. Here are some tips we learned along the way:
1) Patience, patience, patience – Everything at this stage takes longer and involves more adjustments than when our parents were in their prime, so please don’t be in a hurry.
2) Humility and grace – Remember that this is not easy for your parents either. They are struggling with the loss of health and independence. Our sweet spirits, personalities, imaginations, and senses of humor can really help and will ease the pain of these transitions.
3) Personal sacrifice – We must consider parents before ourselves, which will require the loss of time and is often draining. We may have to reduce our budget; change our schedule; and alter our social life for this important season. Being adaptable is critical!
Celia and I have been blessed to care for our aging parents. Although we have experienced the loss of their presence, we are sustained by the legacy they have given us. Looking back over these years brings joy to our hearts and lots of smiles, funny experiences recalled, and great memories. These suggestions have freed us from regrets about the way we treated our parents at the end of their lives; we also pray that the way we loved our parents will be a helpful standard for our children and grandchildren and others as well.
Blog Post: Do you want your children to be perfect? Let them struggle.
Letting our children struggle is hard—even when they are adults. For almost two decades you hovered over them, cleared obstacles and erected safety nets to catch them. The “safety culture” demanded that our children wear body armor to ride a bike. We put tracker-apps on phones and argued with teachers over grades. Any hardship or injury was seen as a failure in parenting.
Letting our children struggle is hard—even when they are adults. For almost two decades you hovered over them, cleared obstacles and erected safety nets to catch them. The “safety culture” demanded that our children wear body armor to ride a bike. We put tracker-apps on phones and argued with teachers over grades. Any hardship or injury was seen as a failure in parenting.
Some habits are hard to break. Now we argue with admissions offices and professors. We pay parking tickets and overdraft charges. And some still have tracker-apps on their adult-child’s phone! That’s what we’re supposed to do, right?
If your child wants to be independent, they must begin to learn to avoid mistakes and bear the consequences of bad choices themselves. If you want your child to be independent, you must let them make the choices and let them endure the consequences.
The Bible speaks of three kinds of struggle that our children may face. They may endure persecution because of their faith in Jesus. If that is what is happening with your child, celebrate and give thanks. But for most, that’s not the likely cause of hardship. More likely, the struggle is caused by their sin or their foolishness. In either case, God promises to use the struggle for His good purpose. But we must get out of the way.
In Hebrews 12, we are reminded that God, like a father, disciplines those whom He loves who continue to struggle with sin. But, unlike the father who disciplined “as seems best to them”, God “disciplines for our good, so that we may share His holiness.” We are assured that “All discipline for the moment seems not to be joyful, but sorrowful; yet to those who have been trained by it, afterwards it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness.” Hebrews 12:4-11
The Apostle James talks about the trials that occur because we lack wisdom and are double-minded. These trials result in struggle that develops endurance. We are admonished to “let endurance have its perfect result, so that you will be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing.” James 1:2-4
Who doesn’t want their child to be holy or perfect?
So what are we to do? How can we get out of the way to “let” God do what we can’t?
Establish clear financial parameters that do not include “bail out” for poor financial decisions. This does not mean we don’t help with unexpected, unavoidable expenses. Nor does this mean that we don’t bless our children with appropriate gifts. But, in order for them to learn financial management, they have to make financial mistakes and bear financial consequences.
Stop managing their relationships. Whether in the context of romantic, sibling, or authority scenarios, let them fight their own battles and resolve their own conflicts. Teach principles, be a shoulder to cry on, then send them back out—on their own.
Stop stalking your children. Whether its the tracker apps or social media, let go of knowing everything. It will give you peace of mind and communicate that you are respecting the agency of your children to make decisions.
Perhaps you’re still trying to hover, clear and catch. Its time to stop and let God do His good work in your child.
Book Review: From Strength to Strength: Finding Success, Happiness and Deep Purpose in the Second Half of Life by Arthur C. Brooks
At Midlife, we begin to realize that our effectiveness is waning. This may cause us to question our purpose and our worth. None of us desire to be irrelevant. The fear of irrelevance may steal our joy and drive. Midlife is the ideal opportunity to make changes that will revitalize your effectiveness and bring great fulfillment.
At Midlife, we begin to realize that our effectiveness is waning. This may cause us to question our purpose and our worth. None of us desire to be irrelevant. The fear of irrelevance may steal our joy and drive. Midlife is the ideal opportunity to make changes that will revitalize your effectiveness and bring great fulfillment.
In his book From Strength to Strength, Arthur Brooks opens with his encounter with an elderly man on an airplane muttering to his wife that he wishes he were dead. Brooks recognized this man as a highly respected and well-known hero and patriot. Brooks never identifies the individual, but intimates that we would surely recognize this man, as did the other passengers and pilot of the plane. The juxtaposition of the former glory and current misery is stark and puzzling, causing Brooks to begin a journey to understand the factors that affect the trajectory of effectiveness and our sense of purpose and fulfillment. Citing multiple studies, Brooks explains two progressions that impact our fulfillment as a function of time. First is the productivity curve which reaches its apex after 20-25 years in a career or scholarly pursuit. A second progression is reflected in the concepts of “fluid” and “crystalized” knowledge. These factors explain why innovation and creativity are most prevalent in the early years of our career or life endeavor.
Brooks believes that these curves are more a function of tenure in the pursuit than a function of aging. In the remainder of the book, Brooks discusses the mindset and action steps that will allow a person in midlife to make changes that will restart the these progressions and increase fulfillment.
Have you reached your peak productivity? Do you sense that your contribution to your organization or profession is beginning to wain? While Brooks suggests that this is normal (and possibly inevitable), there is good news. If you are willing to Pivot, you can have many more productive years. The key is to engage in the intentional process of assessing the current situation and possibilities, making adjustments that point you in a new direction, and acting on the possibilities.
Blog Post: Inject a Dose of Fun Into Your Midlife Marriage!
For newly empty-nesters, you have spent the previous 5 or more years in an all out push to successfully launch teenagers into adulthood. Your marriage has been consumed with coordination of high school sports, activities, concerts, recitals, and special programs. Your time together was spent mostly in giving your full support to your children as they built their list of honors and achievements for college applications or job resumes. Launching teens can be stressful and exhausting!
Play sharpens our talent for empathy and collaboration. It's the antidote to social isolation
-Scott G. Eberle
For newly empty-nesters, you have spent the previous 5 or more years in an all out push to successfully launch teenagers into adulthood. Your marriage has been consumed with coordination of high school sports, activities, concerts, recitals, and special programs. Your time together was spent mostly in giving your full support to your children as they built their list of honors and achievements for college applications or job resumes. Launching teens can be stressful and exhausting!
Then one day after the kids have moved out, you look across the car or dinner table and think, "Who is this person I used to know?" You may begin to wonder... "Do we have anything in common anymore? Do we still love each other? Without the kids' activities to fill up our schedule, am I going to get bored spending a lot more time with my spouse?"
Now is the perfect time to reinvigorate your marriage with some FUN and PLAY! Having fun together helps foster emotional intimacy. Shared laughter creates positive connections and trust in your relationship. Playing together refreshes and rehydrates where things have become stale and dry.
An active play date is an easy way to infuse some lightheartedness into your interactions. There are lots of ideas out there these days...axe throwing, escape rooms, shooting range, painting classes, couples dance lessons, pickle ball, day hikes, electric bike paths, indoor rock climbing, tennis, miniature golf, cooking classes, bowling…bring out your inner child! Remember...no serious or heavy conversation topics allowed during play dates. Make it your goal to just enjoy each other’s company.
You can also plan a relaxed play date at home. Turn off the TV and put away your phones. Play a card game or a board game. Always wanted to learn chess?-do it! Cook a special fun recipe together or decorate a cake. Play frisbee in the back yard. Work a puzzle or turn up the tunes and dance like nobody’s watching (they’re not)!
See if you can find ways to inject some playfulness and laughter into your physical relationship too. Interruptions or walk-ins are no longer a concern, and for many the need for contraception is gone now too. So go ahead—get out of your same ol’ routine and initiate something new. Flirt with each other, dance naked to silly songs, or try a different spot like the living room floor or garden tub. Lovemaking doesn’t always have to be serious; lighten it up occasionally!
Spending time with friends—old and new—is a great way to add some variety to your couple-to-couple social life. Last year Rett and I made a commitment to have dinner with another couple once a week. One of us would call or text another couple and invite them to meet us at a local restaurant for dinner. We brainstormed a list of names and started working our way through them in random order, adding new couples whenever someone came to mind. We intentionally tried to branch out of our normal friend group as much as we could. I encourage you to try these regular dinner dates. It is easy and so much FUN! Meeting at a restaurant allows for comfortable conversation, but it doesn’t turn into an “all night affair.” After an hour or so, the meal comes to a natural close as the server brings the checks. No one feels obligated to stay longer or continue to entertain house guests. There is no cooking or prepping the house, no “what can I bring?,” and no cleanup required. What could be easier?!
We don’t stop playing because we grow old; we grow old because we stop playing.
-George Bernard ShawOur brains are built to benefit from play no matter what our age.
-Theresa A. Kestly
Story: Do It Now: Have "The Talk" With Your Parents (Brent B.)
Over the last year, Leigh and I experienced first-hand the value of taking the uncomfortable step of having “the talk” with my parents. My mother, who had a number of health issues herself, was essentially a caregiver for my father, who had Alzheimer’s disease. Due to the toll this was taking on her, it was clear my mother needed some encouragement and assistance in updating their wills and health care directives. She also needed to institute some powers of attorney for my brother and me in the event she predeceased my father. The idea of directly discussing these issues with my mother was a challenge, because neither my brother nor I had any history of open dialogue regarding my parents’ “business.” PhaseNEXT came at a critical time in this particular stage of our family’s story and relationships.
Over the last year, Leigh and I experienced first-hand the value of taking the uncomfortable step of having “the talk” with my parents. My mother, who had a number of health issues herself, was essentially a caregiver for my father, who had Alzheimer’s disease. Due to the toll this was taking on her, it was clear my mother needed some encouragement and assistance in updating their wills and health care directives. She also needed to institute some powers of attorney for my brother and me in the event she predeceased my father. The idea of directly discussing these issues with my mother was a challenge, because neither my brother nor I had any history of open dialogue regarding my parents’ “business.” PhaseNEXT came at a critical time in this particular stage of our family’s story and relationships.
Most every adult at some point in their lives will go through the unique issues surrounding an aging parent and preparing for their end-of-life issues. Yet, we do not receive any training or instruction on how to assist our aging parents, with what can be very sensitive topics. The PhaseNEXT program not only gave my wife and me the courage to address these issues my mother, but it also provided a framework on what our roles could be and what issues in general to cover. Rett and Nancy were also very helpful in sharing their own experiences in addressing these issues with their parents.
Armed with this encouragement and knowledge, I was able to move forward with approaching my mother about these issues. My wife and I were even able to assist her in a helpful manner, but in a way that was still honoring to my parents, as we are taught to do in God’s Word. As a result, my mother with our assistance was able to proceed with updating their financial records and life directives, which would not only bring her peace, but allow my brother and I to step in to provide for my father’s care seamlessly should the need ever arise. As it so turned out, my mother recently passed away from her own health issues. Despite our sorrow at her passing, it was made a lot easier to transition into the role of taking care of my father and making sure we have the ability to provide for his care needs into the future.
Blog Post: "Are We There Yet?"
How many times were you asked that question as you traveled with the family, whether on Summer vacation, or for the holiday gatherings? “Not quite” or “Almost” never seemed to satisfy.
Do you find yourself asking that question with respect to your role as a parent? “Are we done yet?” In God’s Wisdom, the answer is “no”—and that’s a good thing!
How many times were you asked that question as you traveled with the family, whether on Summer vacation, or for the holiday gatherings? “Not quite” or “Almost” never seemed to satisfy.
Do you find yourself asking that question with respect to your role as a parent? “Are we done yet?” In God’s Wisdom, the answer is “no”—and that’s a good thing!
Parenting begins with the birth of your first child. During your lifetime, your role changes from Steward to Advisor. But even after death, you continue in a parenting role—but then as Ancestor. You will exercise that role through Legacy. Legacy is not a legal estate that you hand to your children through your Last Will and Testament. Rather, it is given to them over the course of your life. Legacy is the sum total of all that you were in life and all that you taught them.
God expects parents to ensure that the generations know Him.
In Exodus through Deuteronomy, God directs parents to fulfill this purpose by teaching future generations.
Who God is — His character and attributes
What God has done — His providence and mercy
What God requires of us — His righteousness
This work happens both in life and through Legacy. Listen to the psalmist:
I will sing a song that imparts wisdom; I will make insightful observations about the past. What we have heard and learned - that which our ancestors have told us - we will not hide from their descendants. We will tell the next generation about the LORD's praiseworthy acts, about his strength and the amazing things he has done. He established a rule in Jacob; he set up a law in Israel. He commanded our ancestors to make his deeds known to their descendants, so that the next generation, children yet to be born, might know about them. They will grow up and tell their descendants about them. Then they will place their confidence in God. They will not forget the works of God, and they will obey his commands. Then they will not be like their ancestors, who were a stubborn and rebellious generation, a generation that was not committed and faithful to God. Psalm 78:2-8 (NET)
This should encourage you and give you hope. You may be tired. You may feel you have done enough. But, you’re not done yet. There is still time for you to have an impact on your children, your grandchildren and many generations to follow.
It is never too late to “tell the next generation about the LORD's praiseworthy acts, about his strength and the amazing things he has done.” You can still leave a legacy that matters to your children and for generations to come.
Blog Post: Restructure Your Purpose Infrastructure
By the time you reach your 50s, you have likely been pursuing purpose within a context defined by family and career for half your life. In doing that, you have built an infrastructure that supports your effort.
Nearly every significant decision was heavily influenced by the purpose of family and career.
By the time you reach your 50s, you have likely been pursuing purpose within a context defined by family and career for half your life. In doing that, you have built an infrastructure that supports your effort.
Nearly every significant decision was heavily influenced by the purpose of family and career.
Consider:
• The cars you have purchased
• The location, size and configuration of your home
• Your budget categories and priorities
• Your schedule and activities
• Your communication patterns and subjects with your spouse
• Your social circle
All of these together have been developed and woven together to move you forward in your pursuit of purpose. They were means to an end. But, at some point, the infrastructure you created to support your pursuit of purpose became part of your identity, and perhaps even a purpose unto themselves.
But things have changed. Your children are adults and have left home. You’ve either reached your career goals or realized that the ship has passed. You’re realizing that the sense of purpose that has driven you for years is waning and you may be headed in a different direction.
The title of Marshall Goldsmith’s classic leadership book What Got You Here Won’t Get You There provides insight on the Purpose Pivot that occurs during midlife. The book’s title phrase is an idea that warrants your consideration if you are struggling to find meaning and fulfillment in the things that occupy your time and energy. It may be time to evaluate whether your current infrastructure is useful or a burden.
Midlife is an opportunity to rebuild your infrastructure on purpose for a purpose. It's more than “downsizing” just to simplify or conserve. You now have the freedom to thoughtfully restructure the operating systems and fixed assets of your life to pursue God’s calling for the next phase of your life.
As we are now approaching the turn of the calendar year, consider whether 2023 will be the start of a new phase of purpose for you. You can learn more about the Purpose Pivot on the Resources page on our website.
We believe that your PhaseNEXT can be filled with passion, purpose and legacy.
Book Review: The 4 Seasons of Marriage: Secrets to Lasting Marriage, by Gary Chapman
Marriage relationships have their ups and downs: times of growth and times of atrophy; times of strength and times of challenge. Well known author and marriage counselor Gary Chapman describes these as “seasons.” In The 4 Seasons of Marriage: Secrets to a Lasting Marriage, Chapman describes the emotions, attitudes and actions that characterize each season, and he provides strategies for moving through difficult seasons and lengthening favorable seasons.
Marriage relationships have their ups and downs: times of growth and times of atrophy; times of strength and times of challenge. Well known author and marriage counselor Gary Chapman describes these as “seasons.” In The 4 Seasons of Marriage: Secrets to a Lasting Marriage, Chapman describes the emotions, attitudes and actions that characterize each season, and he provides strategies for moving through difficult seasons and lengthening favorable seasons.
While the analogy to the seasons of nature has many parallels to marriage, as Chapman explains, there are two critical differences. First, seasons of marriage do not necessarily follow in progressive sequence. It is possible to experience seasons in random order, and a couple may return to the same season of marriage multiple times. Second, the seasons don’t change as a function of time. Rather the changing of seasons can be intermittent and progress as a function of the inputs that are discussed in the book.
Your Midlife Marriage could be in any of these seasons depending on how you have managed the relationship to this point. Chapman offers great help in identifying these seasons and developing a strategy to ensure that our Midlife Marriage will be full of passion, purpose and legacy—blessing us and others.
Here are the Seasons of Marriage as described by Chapman:
Winter – This harsh season is characterized by the emotions of hurt, anger, disappointment, loneliness, rejection, and sometimes hopelessness. These emotions often lead to negative attitudes that “are like a bitter wind.” These attitudes lead to withdrawal, harsh and destructive speech, and possibly even violence. “In the winter season of marriage, couples are unwilling to negotiate differences. Conversations turn to arguments, or spouses withdraw in silence. There is no sense of togetherness. The marriage is like two people living in separate igloos.”
According to Chapman, the positive side of the winter season is that it can motivate us to make the changes necessary to move toward restoring our relationship.
Spring – This is where most marriages start. It is a time of beginnings. But it can also be a time of rejuvenation—beginning again. Spring is characterized by animated and buoyant feelings such as excitement, joy, hope and happiness. These feelings are accompanied by an attitude of gratitude and anticipation of the future. Trust thrives during this season. “Spring is a time of new beginnings. . . . There is a sense of excitement about life together. Couples are making plans. They have hopes for the future. They are planting seeds from which they hope to reap a harvest of happiness.”
But, spring has its downside. While flowers grow, so do weeds and other irritations. Careful tending is required to reach the warmth of summer.
Summer – This season is characterized by feelings of happiness, satisfaction, accomplishment and connection. Typically, couples in this season desire continued growth and are willing to work toward that. They will take all the necessary actions—communication, accepting differences, investing time into the relationship—that are required. “In the summer season of marriage, the dreams of spring have come true. Couples enjoy a great deal of satisfaction from their accomplishments.”
But, in the summer of marriage, the unresolved conflicts of spring can sting like yellow jackets.
Fall – This season brings a fading of the bounty of summer. Emotions change to feelings of sadness, apprehension and depletion. Changes in the family relationships often bring concern and low-level anxiety regarding the uncertainties of the future. This season is often characterized by neglect—relying on inertia to keep the marriage moving forward. During this season, infidelity can pull on the relationship. “In the fall season, couples sense that something is happening, but they’re not sure what. There is a sense of detachment. One or both spouses begin to feel neglected.”
The changes of fall can serve as a signal that winter may be coming. Fortunately, winter in marriage is not inevitable; couples can take action to avoid it and return to warmer seasons.
Chapman provides a thorough explanation of seven strategies to prolong the good seasons and to get through the hard seasons quickly:
Deal with past failures
Choose a winning attitude
Learn to speak your spouse’s love language
Develop the awesome power of empathetic listening
Discover the joy of helping your spouse succeed
Maximize your differences
Implement the power of positive influence
After years of investing heavily in parenting and career, your marriage may need some attention. The 4 Seasons of Marriage is a great place to start. The book includes an assessment to help you evaluate which season you are in, answers to common questions, and a study guide. This is an investment well worth making.
Blog Post: Sibling Dynamics in Caregiving
I received that text from my sister this week. It came with a message letting me know that our dad is scheduled for an MRI tomorrow, after receiving a lower than expected score on a memory test. This news comes in the context of losing our mom just a little more than a year and a half ago, with Alzheimer’s.
“I just want to say how blessed I feel that you and I are mostly in agreement about our parents’ care.”
I received that text from my sister this week. It came with a message letting me know that our dad is scheduled for an MRI tomorrow, after receiving a lower than expected score on a memory test. This news comes in the context of losing our mom just a little more than a year and a half ago, with Alzheimer’s.
Thinking back on that difficult journey, I realize that our cooperation at that time was facilitated largely by several things: our father serving as Mom’s day-to-day caregiver, us living nearly equidistant away from them, and both of us having deferential personalities. Thankfully, the harmony we experienced during our mother’s illness occurred almost naturally.
But this time is different. Our dad is alone; he does not have a spouse to observe and assist him. He relies more heavily on my sister for help, and seems to be more comfortable communicating with her about his needs. And at this time in my life, I now have a full-time job, a significantly down-sized home, and an engaged son preparing for an upcoming wedding.
So as we stand on the threshold of another caregiving season, I recognize that different decisions will need to be made. When we need to move our father out of his home, he will need to live with (or nearby) one of us. While my sister and I are each willing to become the primary caregiver, circumstances indicate that she will most likely take on that role. And our caregiving responsibilities for him will no longer remain relatively equal where we take turns visiting, attending doctor’s appointments, and stocking the freezer with ready-to-eat meals; she will carry the lion’s share. The diagnosis and disease progression may be similar, but this journey will follow its own path.
There are many reasons one sibling becomes the primary caregiver. Factors of geographical proximity, relationship with the parent, skills and abilities, career flexibility, family status, dynamics with in-laws, and housing layout, among others, all play a part. But there are things each sibling can do to help pursue peaceful cooperation. My responsibility this time will include supporting and encouraging my sister as we care for our dad in different ways.
If your sibling is the Primary Caregiver…
Recognize it’s not about you.
Don’t overanalyze why your sibling is the primary caregiver instead of you. The reasons don’t really matter, and the real question is how will you respond?Express appreciation.
Acknowledge the imbalance and do not take your sibling for granted. Show gratitude. Say the words. Repeatedly. Don’t assume they know.Provide relief.
Schedule time where you will handle all caregiving responsibilities to allow your sibling an uninterrupted vacation or weekend away. If possible, bring your parent to your house to give your sibling a break.Speak graciously.
Rethink and rephrase your input and suggestions so that they will not be received as criticism or second-guessing.Be encouraging.
Remember that your sibling is not an expert any more than you are, and is doing the best they know how under very stressful and emotional circumstances.
If you are the Primary Caregiver…
Collaborate on decisions.
Talk to your siblings about care change decisions. You probably know best what might work or not, but your siblings are also emotionally interested in the outcome. They should have an opportunity to voice their opinion.Appreciate the gift of providing care.
Remember that even though you carry the higher level of caregiving stress, you are also privileged to spend more time with your aging parent. You will always be able to treasure those memories with your loved one.Keep everyone informed.
Create a shared note on your phone where you and your siblings can track milestone events and medical condition updates together.Be gracious and respectful.
Remember that despite how it may seem at times, your siblings probably wish they could be more involved. Be aware that subtle “digs” or comments made “in jest” can be deeply hurtful to your siblings.Ask for help.
Guard against feelings of resentment, but if you feel it rising, don’t play the martyr. Speak up and ask specifically for what you need from your siblings.
Managing sibling relationships while caring for aging parents can be tricky. This is why my sister’s text this week meant so much to me. And if she becomes the primary caregiver for our father, it is my prayer that I will support and encourage her well, relieve her when I can, and show my gratitude for her commitment to our dad.
Blog Post: "So How Are The Kids?"
“So how are the kids?” In many ways, I’ve come to dread certain gatherings out of fear of this question. Truth be told, there may even be encounters that I avoid so that I don’t have to answer this question. Yes, it’s well meaning. But, how do I answer it in a moment?
In most cases, this is just another form of the ageless greeting: “How are you doing?” Generally, I’m fine simply returning that greeting with, “Great! How are you?” But when the question involves the status of my kids, the white-lie of the socially acceptable response doesn’t relax the emotional trigger that just occurred. Why is that?
“So how are the kids?” In many ways, I’ve come to dread certain gatherings out of fear of this question. Truth be told, there may even be encounters that I avoid so that I don’t have to answer this question. Yes, it’s well meaning. But, how do I answer it in a moment?
In most cases, this is just another form of the ageless greeting: “How are you doing?” Generally, I’m fine simply returning that greeting with, “Great! How are you?” But when the question involves the status of my kids, the white-lie of the socially acceptable response doesn’t relax the emotional trigger that just occurred. Why is that?
Ultimately, the explanation for my reaction in the moment is usually pride. Not pride in my children, but protection of my own pride. This response may have a couple different causes. One is the desire to conform to the image of the “Instagram Family.” The ubiquity of social media, with its endless parade of accomplishment and happiness, has created a false expectation of what the healthy, normal family looks like. And church families may be the most-frequent offenders in perpetuating this myth. Any blemish or imperfection cannot be revealed. So when the question comes—How are the kids?—our pride immediately requires us to paint the picture of success.
The protection of our pride is also related to our identity. Too often we tie our sense of self and self-worth to the behaviors and outcomes that our children have chosen. To admit that our children are flawed or are making bad decisions is to admit that we are flawed. Even worse, we may see it an indication of our own failure. This identity connection can range from simple empathy to full co-dependence. This is why the simple question can trigger a powerful emotional reaction.
I am not suggesting that we break with the social norm by sharing the struggles of our children every time someone asks. Usually they don’t really care—it’s just a greeting. But we should consider why we answer the way we do. If we are simply engaging in small talk—no problem. No reason to bare your soul. But if we are protecting our image or our identity, we need to consider the heart of the matter. Is this a matter of pride that needs to be confessed and addressed?
Blog Post: The Path to Finishing Well
My contemplation of finishing well started a little sooner than it does for most.
When I was in my mid-30s, my father’s two best friends died on consecutive days. I knew them as Uncle Mike and Pastor Bob. I had known these men for many years and had observed them in the decade or so after they retired. Attending funerals within a couple days of each other gave me an opportunity to reflect on what it takes to finish well.
My contemplation of finishing well started a little sooner than it does for most.
When I was in my mid-30s, my father’s two best friends died on consecutive days. I knew them as Uncle Mike and Pastor Bob. I had known these men for many years and had observed them in the decade or so after they retired. Attending funerals within a couple days of each other gave me an opportunity to reflect on what it takes to finish well.
Uncle Mike was a wonderful, loving Christian man. After his retirement, he spent his days traveling, playing golf, and visiting with his children and grandchildren. At his funeral, family and friends gathered to share favorite memories. These usually involved some kind gesture he had done or some word of encouragement he offered.
Pastor Bob spent his retirement years using interim pastoring assignments to raise funds and recruit workers to build churches in Brazil. At his funeral, the pastor asked everyone in the congregation who had to traveled to Brazil with Pastor Bob to stand. About 200 men stood; I was one of them. These were blue-collar working men who had been recruited and inspired by Pastor Bob to use their skills to further the Gospel in South America. In all, Pastor Bob organized the funding and led the construction of more than 20 churches in Brazil—all after retiring from “full time ministry.”
This contrast was poignant to me. It demonstrated that there are multiple ways to finish well. Uncle Mike was a Jesus follower who left a legacy of love and faith with his family. Pastor Bob pursued his passion for church building and discipleship. I believe they both lived the purpose and calling God gave them. And that is the point—finishing well the work that God has called you to do (see Eph 2:10). From that day, I committed to live my life for the goal of hearing, “Well done, my good and faithful servant!” (Matt. 25:21)
I also understood that the outcome did not depend on chance, but required intention and effort. At age 37, I began to ask: What do I need to do now so that I can do eternally significant things after retirement? It never occurred to me in my thirties or forties that the urge for renewed purpose would come long before retirement. As I’ve entered my fifties and all the kids have moved out, the process of re-purposing has started in earnest.
A dozen authors will describe the process in a dozen different ways. (See our Resources page for recommended books). But it all boils down to the same basic elements. Perhaps this will help get you started:
1. Get to know yourself again for the first time. Has it really been 25+ years since you set your life goals? All this time, God has continued “to work and to will for His good purpose.” (Phil 2:13) It's time to re-assess your passions, talents, and resources.
2. Explore God’s calling for you. Ephesians 2:10 assures us that God has given us a purpose and work to do. Having you been pursuing your calling or just living out the expectations of others? If you seek, God will reveal what He intends for you.
3. Make adjustments to create opportunities. No doubt you have structured your life to accomplish the goals of the past. It may be time to deconstruct your personal infrastructure in order to create margin for change and growth. What can you let go of so that you can take hold of something new?
4. Get started. Take the first step—even if it is a small one. Don’t fear making a mistake. It is easier to course-correct when you’re moving than when you are standing still.
5. Include others. Finding and pursuing your re-purpose is better with friends. Bring your spouse and others along with you on this journey.
Book Review: Marriage in the Middle: Embracing Midlife Surprises, Challenges and Joys by Dorothy Littel Greco
Marriage can be difficult at every stage, but especially during transitions. Do you remember the struggles and adjustments that you made when you newly wed? Then the relationship changed again when kids came into the family. Chances are good you have avoided or left unresolved many issues over the last 20+ years. Now that it’s just the two of you again, those issues are going to come back to the forefront.
Marriage can be difficult at every stage, but especially during transitions. Do you remember the struggles and adjustments that you made when you newly wed? Then the relationship changed again when kids came into the family. Chances are good you have avoided or left unresolved many issues over the last 20+ years. Now that it’s just the two of you again, those issues are going to come back to the forefront.
This book is specifically addressed to the marriage issues that surface during Midlife. Written from a Christian perspective, it addresses issues that are basic to any marriage, but illustrates and addresses them as they occur in Midlife. Greco reminds us of the telos of our marriage and offers instruction and hope for how we reclaim (or find) that sense of purpose. The author identifies three “essential traits” for the work that must be done during this pivot: malleability, resilience and engagement.
In addition to a candid discussion of the issues that occurred in her marriage and family, Greco includes interviews with other couples relating to the subjects of each chapter that are very frank and instructive. Each chapter concludes with questions for “Going Deeper” with yourself and your spouse.
Blog Post: Honoring Aging Parents
In these weeks between Mother’s Day and Father’s Day, it's a good time think about how we truly honor our parents during PhaseNEXT. At this stage of our life, breakfast in bed and colorful neckties just don’t seem appropriate.
Honoring our parents during our midlife is vastly different than when we were kids. On the one hand, we have many more years of relationship that may have made things—well—complicated. On the other, we are also parents of adult children and have a whole new perspective on the challenges and sacrifices our parents faced.
In these weeks between Mother’s Day and Father’s Day, it's a good time think about how we truly honor our parents during PhaseNEXT. At this stage of our life, breakfast in bed and colorful neckties just don’t seem appropriate.
Honoring our parents during our midlife is vastly different than when we were kids. On the one hand, we have many more years of relationship that may have made things—well—complicated. On the other, we are also parents of adult children and have a whole new perspective on the challenges and sacrifices our parents faced.
The Bible admonishes us repeatedly to honor our parents. This is different than obeying them. This command is described as the first “with a promise.” We would do well to consider why the Bible makes this a matter of such importance and commit to this principle throughout our lives.
If we are blessed by parents who are still living and able to engage with us, honoring them requires us to consider what will truly bless them as they confront their own mortality and the hand-off of their role as “head of family.” Have you spent time deeply considering how the aging process has affected them? How do they feel about the changes in the parent-child relationship as they become more dependent? What can you do to affirm them, to give them assurance that they have lived well?
Occasionally make a point to tell them what you admire about them.
Share photos and memorabilia from your childhood that remind them of your journey together.
Help them accomplish a goal that they have set aside—a trip or experience from their bucket list.
Help them reunite with old friends or family members.
Talk to them about their expectations for living arrangements as they approach declining health and end of life.
If one or both of our parents have already passed, honoring them is still important—not for them, but for others. Who is blessed when we honor the memory and legacy of our parents? Primarily, our children and their children. The continuity of family binds generations in a perpetuating identity. As individuals, we need to know who we are and where we belong. From the beginning, the Bible describes families as multi-generational units through which God works and blesses. Honor is the glue that creates these bonds.
Tell their stories to your children and grandchildren.
Create a family treasure chest of photos and artifacts that can become heirloom.
Write a letter to them, expressing your thanks, your hurts, and your regrets.
Confront any anger or resentment that you may have and commit to forgive.
The breakdown of the family unit, often coupled with a loss of generational honor, is epidemic in our culture today. It is no surprise that identity confusion, anxiety and depression, are also on the rise. This occurs with teenagers, emerging adults and mid-lifers. Honoring our parents at every stage of life is important. In your PhaseNEXT, you can make a generational impact by simply living out this Biblical imperative.
Book Review: Empty Nest, What’s Next?: Parenting Adult Children Without Losing Your Mind by Michele Howe
Parenting emerging adult children brings about a host of challenges, internally and externally. When our children grow up and leave home, it introduces the void (or opportunity) of an empty nest, an altered state of our marriage, and new relationship dynamics with our kids. The practical and emotional impact of these changes is wide-ranging. In this book, author Michele Howe provides helpful perspective and advice on multiple facets of this phase of life and parenting.
Parenting emerging adult children brings about a host of challenges, internally and externally. When our children grow up and leave home, it introduces the void (or opportunity) of an empty nest, an altered state of our marriage, and new relationship dynamics with our kids. The practical and emotional impact of these changes is wide-ranging. In this book, author Michele Howe provides helpful perspective and advice on multiple facets of this phase of life and parenting.
This book is written in 30 short chapters, each of which includes an anecdotal experience, practical advice, Biblical insight and a short prayer. One option is to read one chapter per day over a one-month period as a type of daily devotional. Each chapter can be read and considered in just a few minutes, but offers enough substance to continue in your thoughts throughout the day.
Chapters two, four and six were both humbling and helpful to me. As an enneagram “type 2,” I want to solve problems, meet needs, ably assist. Now that my children have left my home and are “on their own,” my role as helper-in-chief is done. Howe shares that her daily prayer is “God, make up the difference.” This idea is explained in the context of acknowledging the mistakes we made as parents. It encourages us ask to God to straighten out what we may have messed up. But, while I have become poignantly aware of this need now, Howe points out that God has always been “making up the difference.”
On the hopeful side, Howe reminds us that the impact of our years of pouring wisdom into our children has not yet seen its full fruit. She explains that they are now having to work out for themselves what took us years to learn. She warns us not to deprive them of this experience by jumping in to control them or to mitigate the consequences. Ultimately, being aware that adult children make adult-sized mistakes requires that we daily surrender control to the Heavenly Father, who will continue to parent far better than we ever could.
What Are We Learning?
Sorry for the recent silence. We haven’t stopped PhaseNext—we’ve been fully living it!! Over the last several months, Nancy and I have been actively involved in the whirlwind of all of the relationship and life-changes that define this stage of life.
Our youngest child graduated from college, our middle child has returned home for a season, and our oldest child and his wife are expecting our first grandbaby in August. We are facing all the challenges that go with Parenting adult children.
Sorry for the recent silence. We haven’t stopped PhaseNext—we’ve been fully living it!! Over the last several months, Nancy and I have been actively involved in the whirlwind of all of the relationship and life-changes that define this stage of life.
Our youngest child graduated from college, our middle child has returned home for a season, and our oldest child and his wife are expecting our first grandbaby in August. We are facing all the challenges that go with Parenting adult children.
Nancy’s father has moved into an assisted living facility. Beyond the logistical considerations that change creates, there is the emotional and relational impact requiring us to recommit to honoring our aging parents in Caregiving.
I have begun the process of transitioning my career to align with what I believe God is calling me to do in the next chapter of my working years. While I am excited about all that God has ahead as my Purpose, running in both lanes simultaneously is a stretch.
And of course, all of these are requiring Nancy and me to continuously evaluate our Marriage and make a conscious effort to find new rhythms, patterns, and relationships.
So what are we learning through this?
To trust God in all things. Change reveals all the ways in which we have learned to trust in ourselves to handle the affairs of life. We build systems and routines, we gather and deploy resources, we build networks. Then life changes and the structures that have supported us are either removed, or they no longer assist with the context we are in. In the ensuing chaos or despair, we reach out to God for help. With perhaps a little embarrassment, we confess that we drifted at times in our trust of Him. We declare that He is faithful and true. As we know from Proverbs 3:5-6, when we repent of leaning on our own understanding and acknowledge Him in all things, He informs our path and our understanding.
Patience to wait for God’s process. The relationship changes that occur because the people in our lives are changing. This is particularly true with our adult children. And so often, these changes can be unwelcome, hurtful, and discouraging. But we are reminded that they are, in fact, changing—not fully changed. The path and process of God’s work in the lives of people, especially young adults, is non-linear in pace and direction. That’s because they are independent agents wrestling with a Supreme Being that demands submission and holiness. As the nature of adulthood pushes them toward self-sufficiency and autonomy, God is calling them to trust and obey Him. That can be messy at times. But, we believe Philippians 1:6 is true, so we will wait on God to complete what He started.
To find peace in times of pain. The changes and challenges of our circumstances and relationships are difficult on many levels. Some of our experiences have brought great heartache and grief. Others have brought busyness and stress. But we are learning to seek God’s presence, not just His answers or solutions. Throughout scripture, there is a direct relationship between the experience of peace and the presence of God. In prison because of false accusations, Joseph prospered because God was with him (Gen. 39:21). David declared that he was comforted through the valley of the shadow of death because God was with him. (Psalm 23:4). Jesus assured His disciples not to let their hearts be troubled because He would send the Holy Spirit to be with them to bring comfort and give peace (see John 14).
Through all the Pivots of midlife, we remain certain of a couple things.
God is good all the time.
Our experiences are not unique, and we do not need to walk alone.
Thank you for being part of our mutual journey together. Please let us know how we can encourage you.
Book Review: Empty Nest, Full Life - Discovering God’s Best for Your Next by Jill Savage
Author Jill Savage offers a guide through the emotional chaos that confronts parents when their children leave home, leaving them with a sense of loss and confusion. This dynamic is especially potent for women who have spent most of the prior 25 years dedicated to raising children. For the primary caregiver, their personal goals, dreams and desires have been put on hold for the sake of the family. Now that the kids are gone, they are left asking, “Now What?” “Who am I?” “What do I do?”
Author Jill Savage offers a guide through the emotional chaos that confronts parents when their children leave home, leaving them with a sense of loss and confusion. This dynamic is especially potent for women who have spent most of the prior 25 years dedicated to raising children. For the primary caregiver, their personal goals, dreams and desires have been put on hold for the sake of the family. Now that the kids are gone, they are left asking, “Now What?” “Who am I?” “What do I do?”
Although this book is written primarily from the perspective of a female caregiver, it offers great insight and encouragement to both parents. The content is built on the structure of “Let go; Take hold.” Savage exposes the thought patterns, expectations, and relationships that were present as our children were growing up that must now be released in order to move forward. She then points toward a beautiful future full of new relationships, meaning and purpose.
Savage offers practical suggestions for how to evaluate your current emotional state and to let go of the hinderances. She also offers advice on the work that may be required in the marriage in this new phase. Finally, the author gives tips for finding and pursuing opportunities that bring joy and fulfillment in this phase. Savage highlights the “Ministry of Availability” as one of the great joys that she has found—giving her the ability to serve the practical needs of others by simply being available to help them.
The book includes devotional reflection and questions for deeper reflection. There is also a companion Journal intended to “help you slow down, reflect and record your thoughts as you work through the book.”
Testimonial: Time and Energy Well Spent
The term “empty nest” is a loaded one and brings many thoughts: excitement, anticipation, freedom! But this phase of life also brings anxiety, worry, uncertainty, and stress. How so? As couples whose children have left the home, there are many things that occur during this stage of life that one may not have thought of: how do we relate to our adult children who may be struggling?
The term “empty nest” is a loaded one and brings many thoughts: excitement, anticipation, freedom! But this phase of life also brings anxiety, worry, uncertainty, and stress. How so? As couples whose children have left the home, there are many things that occur during this stage of life that one may not have thought of: how do we relate to our adult children who may be struggling?
What about our aging parents with health concerns? How do we relate to each other as couples with more time on our hands? Rett and Nancy have been living out this phase of their life and have a heart for coming alongside other couples in the same boat. The PhaseNEXT Weekend Retreat brings couples together to learn, laugh, and lean into this stage of life.
Rett and Nancy are equipping us for this next phase with resources and a network of like-minded couples looking not to just survive this stage of life but to thrive. The resources and discussion at the retreat, and developing a network of couples to go through this stage of life, are all invaluable. We highly recommend engaging with Rett and Nancy on this journey; it will be time and energy well spent.