Blog Post: Do you want your children to be perfect? Let them struggle.
Letting our children struggle is hard—even when they are adults. For almost two decades you hovered over them, cleared obstacles and erected safety nets to catch them. The “safety culture” demanded that our children wear body armor to ride a bike. We put tracker-apps on phones and argued with teachers over grades. Any hardship or injury was seen as a failure in parenting.
Some habits are hard to break. Now we argue with admissions offices and professors. We pay parking tickets and overdraft charges. And some still have tracker-apps on their adult-child’s phone! That’s what we’re supposed to do, right?
If your child wants to be independent, they must begin to learn to avoid mistakes and bear the consequences of bad choices themselves. If you want your child to be independent, you must let them make the choices and let them endure the consequences.
The Bible speaks of three kinds of struggle that our children may face. They may endure persecution because of their faith in Jesus. If that is what is happening with your child, celebrate and give thanks. But for most, that’s not the likely cause of hardship. More likely, the struggle is caused by their sin or their foolishness. In either case, God promises to use the struggle for His good purpose. But we must get out of the way.
In Hebrews 12, we are reminded that God, like a father, disciplines those whom He loves who continue to struggle with sin. But, unlike the father who disciplined “as seems best to them”, God “disciplines for our good, so that we may share His holiness.” We are assured that “All discipline for the moment seems not to be joyful, but sorrowful; yet to those who have been trained by it, afterwards it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness.” Hebrews 12:4-11
The Apostle James talks about the trials that occur because we lack wisdom and are double-minded. These trials result in struggle that develops endurance. We are admonished to “let endurance have its perfect result, so that you will be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing.” James 1:2-4
Who doesn’t want their child to be holy or perfect?
So what are we to do? How can we get out of the way to “let” God do what we can’t?
Establish clear financial parameters that do not include “bail out” for poor financial decisions. This does not mean we don’t help with unexpected, unavoidable expenses. Nor does this mean that we don’t bless our children with appropriate gifts. But, in order for them to learn financial management, they have to make financial mistakes and bear financial consequences.
Stop managing their relationships. Whether in the context of romantic, sibling, or authority scenarios, let them fight their own battles and resolve their own conflicts. Teach principles, be a shoulder to cry on, then send them back out—on their own.
Stop stalking your children. Whether its the tracker apps or social media, let go of knowing everything. It will give you peace of mind and communicate that you are respecting the agency of your children to make decisions.
Perhaps you’re still trying to hover, clear and catch. Its time to stop and let God do His good work in your child.