Book Review: Mom and Dad, We Need to Talk - How to Have Essential Conversations with your Parents About Their Finances by Cameron Huddleston.
You can’t start this conversation too soon! But for many of us, talking to our parents about financial matters and their mortality is awkward, emotional, and dreaded. But now is the time. This book contains great tips on the hows and whys of the difficult but important conversations we need to have with our parents as they move from independence to needing your help. It includes explanations of legal documents, lists of information to collect, conversation starters, and many other helpful tools.
You can’t start this conversation too soon! But for many of us, talking to our parents about financial matters and their mortality is awkward, emotional, and dreaded. But now is the time. This book contains great tips on the hows and whys of the difficult but important conversations we need to have with our parents as they move from independence to needing your help. It includes explanations of legal documents, lists of information to collect, conversation starters, and many other helpful tools.
Huddleston offers the great advice that we should talk to our siblings before talking to our parents. This is a step this is often overlooked in the process. Failure to consider sibling dynamics can lead to years of rivalry, hurt feelings and difficulty in making decisions at the critical times for the parents.
The author also recommends that we start having these conversations with our own children sooner rather than later. Huddleston suggests that we make this part of the family conversation, addressing all of the important information over the course of time. What a gift to your children to take this responsibility off them for when it’s their turn to start taking care of you.
If you’re not sure where to begin in this pivot, read this book.
Testimonial: Weekend Retreat Was Right on Time
Our PhaseNEXT Weekend Retreat with Rett and Nancy was right on time. We were freshly empty nesting, just starting an "encore career," building a new home and moving......and to top it off, our parents are entering into some serious health and mobility issues. If PhaseNext had a poster couple, we were it! So some guided and intentional time discussing ALL of these issues was just what we needed.
Our PhaseNEXT Weekend Retreat with Rett and Nancy was right on time. We were freshly empty nesting, just starting an "encore career," building a new home and moving......and to top it off, our parents are entering into some serious health and mobility issues. If PhaseNext had a poster couple, we were it! So some guided and intentional time discussing ALL of these issues was just what we needed.
Rett and Nancy have read and vetted the limited public resources available on this life stage and were super helpful in guiding us to the most helpful resources for all of the above. The small group discussions and time between reflecting on what we'd discussed gave space to matters we had been in the past handling reactively. We found footing during this key weekend to look forward, not only to survive these life changes, but to flourish! It was truly nourishing, as we discussed these issues with Rett, Nancy and others experiencing the same, to know that there's truly nothing new under the sun.
We are not alone navigating these difficult new chapters, but in fact are in good company with many others needing resources, help, and partnership in these challenging years. And the food and fellowship were wonderful! I look forward to the next steps with others who want to make the most of these important years. Thank you Rett and Nancy!
Book Review: Doing Life with Your Adult Children - Keep Your Mouth Shut & the Welcome Mat Out by Jim Burns.
If you thought the teenage years were tough, parenting emerging adults is tricky. None of the tools that were available to you when your children were at home are effective now that they have the ability to leave. Parenting adult children requires a whole new basis for the relationship and method of engagement. In some cases, your children are expressing their new independence in ways that are disappointing. In other cases, your children are not moving into independence as quickly or thoroughly as you would like. Perhaps one child fits in both categories!
If you thought the teenage years were tough, parenting emerging adults is tricky. None of the tools that were available to you when your children were at home are effective now that they have the ability to leave. Parenting adult children requires a whole new basis for the relationship and method of engagement. In some cases, your children are expressing their new independence in ways that are disappointing. In other cases, your children are not moving into independence as quickly or thoroughly as you would like. Perhaps one child fits in both categories!
In this book, Jim Burns gives practical advice for navigating these difficult waters. The title of the book is, in many ways, a great summary of our new role—and that is where the author starts. We are encouraged to recognize that, although the goal of our parenting—to raise godly children—has not changed, our ‘job description” has changed dramatically. Burns offers specific instruction on how to maintain access to the heart of your adult child so that you will maintain influence through a loving relationship.
Burns offers hope for parents whose children have not taken responsibility for their lives, continue to depend on their parents, or fail to reflect the parents’ values. Sociologist and Developmental Psychologists have begun to identify and define a new stage in the progression from teenager to fully independent adult as “emerging adulthood.” Many define this as the stage between 18 and 25 years old. During this stage, children are still learning the life skills for independent living, exploring their own purpose and direction, and making choices about their identity. As their parents, we want to move them through this quickly. Our tendency is to react with a mix of emotionally charged responses: control, guilt, directives, enabling, sheltering, ultimatums, etc. Burns provides perspective and practical steps for guiding our children through this phase.
Importantly, Burns points us to a future day when our family expands to include our children’s spouses (and their parents) and grandchildren. On this point, Burns encourages us to ask this question before speaking to family concerns: “Will what I am about to say or do improve the relationship?” He then offers 5 tips to navigate the in-law relationship. Burns also reminds us that the role of a grandparent is vastly different than of a parent, and to respect the boundary.
In the Afterword, Burns makes several observations and suggestions that dovetail with the PhaseNEXT approach:
Develop a well-thought-out plan
Parent in a community, not on an island
Practice the principles of the book, but realize that life is messy
Trust that God is on your side.