Blog Post: "So How Are The Kids?"
“So how are the kids?” In many ways, I’ve come to dread certain gatherings out of fear of this question. Truth be told, there may even be encounters that I avoid so that I don’t have to answer this question. Yes, it’s well meaning. But, how do I answer it in a moment?
In most cases, this is just another form of the ageless greeting: “How are you doing?” Generally, I’m fine simply returning that greeting with, “Great! How are you?” But when the question involves the status of my kids, the white-lie of the socially acceptable response doesn’t relax the emotional trigger that just occurred. Why is that?
Ultimately, the explanation for my reaction in the moment is usually pride. Not pride in my children, but protection of my own pride. This response may have a couple different causes. One is the desire to conform to the image of the “Instagram Family.” The ubiquity of social media, with its endless parade of accomplishment and happiness, has created a false expectation of what the healthy, normal family looks like. And church families may be the most-frequent offenders in perpetuating this myth. Any blemish or imperfection cannot be revealed. So when the question comes—How are the kids?—our pride immediately requires us to paint the picture of success.
The protection of our pride is also related to our identity. Too often we tie our sense of self and self-worth to the behaviors and outcomes that our children have chosen. To admit that our children are flawed or are making bad decisions is to admit that we are flawed. Even worse, we may see it an indication of our own failure. This identity connection can range from simple empathy to full co-dependence. This is why the simple question can trigger a powerful emotional reaction.
I am not suggesting that we break with the social norm by sharing the struggles of our children every time someone asks. Usually they don’t really care—it’s just a greeting. But we should consider why we answer the way we do. If we are simply engaging in small talk—no problem. No reason to bare your soul. But if we are protecting our image or our identity, we need to consider the heart of the matter. Is this a matter of pride that needs to be confessed and addressed?